Salama't House - Community based assisted living in Nairobi
https://the.ismaili/kenya/salamat-house ... ng-nairobi
“Everyone wants to live longer, but no one wants to be old” Harry Moody
A staggering 10,000 baby boomers turn 65 each day across the world and will continue to do so until the early 2030’s. In Nairobi, 50% of the Jamat is over 65 years of age. (https://www.census.gov/)
Our elderly provide us with a fountain of wisdom and experience and form an integral part of our community and value system. Old age is one of the most delicate stages of life. As a person ages, in most cases, there comes a sense of dependency, as well as vulnerability. It is at this point in the circle of life that one must prepare to age gracefully – whether in a nuclear family environment or within a community environment of peers.
While many seniors do live independent lives or within a family setting, there are a number that do not. In today’s world, the reasons are varied - the stresses and strains of the workplace may overwhelm this support system for seniors, and at the same time the very support system could be ageing, encounter immigration of younger family members, family discord or simply the lack of resources to take care of an elderly person.
The Council of Kenya recognized the necessity to be able to house seniors and individuals in need. The Social Welfare Board (SWB) received a generous donation of an entire building in Parklands. This was appropriately named Salama’t House.
Within this assisted living facility, and the ethos of community-based care, the team is working to create a serene, holistic environment to heal mind, body and soul.
The thought of moving one’s elderly into a home is culturally alien, as well as daunting one. And this negative perception is deeply rooted. However, Salama’t House aims to ensure the dignity and well being of its residents.
It is a comfortable and safe environment, much like being in your own home surrounded by your familiar things, with carefully planned meals for a healthy lifestyle in a community setting. There are a number of rooms and small apartments available in a light and airy building with a lift, Wi-fi and backup generator. We have dedicated floors for male and female residents. Meals, laundry and daily cleaning services are also provided for residents. Salama’t House has its own dedicated wheelchair enabled bus for Jamatkhana visits, outings and medical appointments. A member of staff also accompanies any resident who has a doctor’s appointment.
Our staff are professional caregivers and we have fully qualified, certified nursing care on hand, equipped to deal with conditions ranging from dementia, Alzheimer's, Parkinson’s, a variety of cardiac conditions, as well as diabetes, cancers and circulatory diseases. Various doctors are on call for home visits, as well as clinics and consultations. We offer palliative care and are able to provide dedicated carers for those who prefer their own.
In the pre-COVID-19 days, we had Reiki sessions, chair yoga, board games and other activities. There is a large communal dining hall, as well as a small library with a computer. We also have a hairdressing and barber’s salon.
Despite the reduced public interaction due to COVID-19, we still manage outings to the Aga Khan Sports Club. Presently our residents pray together as a community and join in all the programs offered on Ismaili TV.
Due to the current pandemic, we do practice social distancing, hourly cleaning rotas and staff that operate on 4 weekly rotations. All essential visitors are screened prior to entry and all deliveries are cleaned before being brought in. We try and ensure that all residents have either their own cell phones or easy access to a phone to keep in touch with their loved ones.
In addition to being able to care and provide for your loved ones, or yourself - Salama’t House provides for an independent, yet safe haven for the golden years.
As an able, professional community, we need to give and support in whichever way towards the few that would greatly need such an environment. Support can include donations of any kind -monetary, food, equipment, visits and phone calls – and are always welcome to help sustain Salama’t House and provide a safe, holistic haven for all, especially those in need.
If you would like to speak further about Salama’t House, on how to become a part of this wonderful place, please feel to reach out to us:
email po.swbnairobi@akji-kenya.org(link sends e-mail) or pdo.swbkenya@akji-kenya.org(link sends e-mail). +254 733720651 or +254 768 811515
For more detailed information on Salama’t House and becoming a resident, as well as donor information, click here https://the.ismaili/kenya/salamat-house-details .
THE ELDERLY
What are some frugal living tips for elderly people?
Being frugal when you already have a limited income will require some changes and that may be difficult for someone who is elderly. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of that.
But, having said that, let me give you my tips on being frugal.
- Downsize - it may be a tough decision but sometimes downsizing to a smaller place will put some money in the bank account and reduce your monthly expenses.
- Declutter - which, in this case, means get rid of stuff you don’t need or use anymore. Some items can be sold which will give you more dollars in the bank and others can be donated. Either way - reducing the amount of things you have in the house will allow you to live in a smaller space safer. This could mean furniture, clothing, automobile, knick knacks, etc.
- Shop frugally - Aldi’s is a store near me that has very low prices. If there’s a store like that near you - then make that your store.
- Grow your own vegetables - gardening is a wonderful activity for seniors and growing your own vegetables is a great way to feed yourself.
- Discounts - there are many discounts for seniors so find out what they are and take advantage of them. Look into AARP and other similar programs to find out if there are discounts there that would benefit you.
- Library - don’t buy books, instead get books and media from the library. You can also get these things at a thrift store as well.
- Thrift stores - I started shopping at thrift stores when I was in school as an Occupational Therapist and I still shop there. Can’t beat those prices.
- Make gifts or give homemade gifts (like cookies, sauces, etc.) instead of buying gifts for your friends and family.
- Review your expenses - Look at your expenses and see what you can cut down or out.
- Learn from others - Join or gather a group together to share ideas on how others are learning to live frugally.
I hope these tips help.
https://www.quora.com/
Being frugal when you already have a limited income will require some changes and that may be difficult for someone who is elderly. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of that.
But, having said that, let me give you my tips on being frugal.
- Downsize - it may be a tough decision but sometimes downsizing to a smaller place will put some money in the bank account and reduce your monthly expenses.
- Declutter - which, in this case, means get rid of stuff you don’t need or use anymore. Some items can be sold which will give you more dollars in the bank and others can be donated. Either way - reducing the amount of things you have in the house will allow you to live in a smaller space safer. This could mean furniture, clothing, automobile, knick knacks, etc.
- Shop frugally - Aldi’s is a store near me that has very low prices. If there’s a store like that near you - then make that your store.
- Grow your own vegetables - gardening is a wonderful activity for seniors and growing your own vegetables is a great way to feed yourself.
- Discounts - there are many discounts for seniors so find out what they are and take advantage of them. Look into AARP and other similar programs to find out if there are discounts there that would benefit you.
- Library - don’t buy books, instead get books and media from the library. You can also get these things at a thrift store as well.
- Thrift stores - I started shopping at thrift stores when I was in school as an Occupational Therapist and I still shop there. Can’t beat those prices.
- Make gifts or give homemade gifts (like cookies, sauces, etc.) instead of buying gifts for your friends and family.
- Review your expenses - Look at your expenses and see what you can cut down or out.
- Learn from others - Join or gather a group together to share ideas on how others are learning to live frugally.
I hope these tips help.
https://www.quora.com/
S E N I O R C I T I Z E N S - 2021*
- When you get old, never teach anyone anything, unless requested, even if you are sure you are right.
- Do not try to help unless asked for. Just be ready & available for it if possible.
- Do not give unsolicited opinions all the time.
- Do not expect everyone to follow your opinion, even though you feel your opinion was the best...
- Don't impose yourself on anyone on any subject.
- Don't try to protect your loved ones from all the misfortunes of the World. Just love them & pray for them.
- Don't complain about your health, your neighbors, your retirement, your woes all the time.
- Don't expect gratitude from children.
- There are no ungrateful children, there are only stupid parents, who expect gratitude from their children.
- Don't waste your last money on anti-age treatments. It's useless.
- Better spend it on a trip. It's always worth it.
- Take care of your spouse, even if he/she becomes a wrinkled, helpless and moody old person. Don't forget he/she was once young, good looking and cheerful, may be he/she is the only one who really needs you right now.
- Understand new technologies, obsessively follow the News, constantly study something new, a new skill, a new dish, a new indoor game, do not fall behind in time.
- Don't blame yourself for whatever happened to your life or to your children's lives, you did everything you could.
- Preserve your dignity & integrity in any situation, till the end.
- Do your best, my senior Peers. This is very important. Remember, you're still alive, someone needs you. Do your best & leave the rest to The Almighty.
- I guess some friends are already following these tips.
- When you get old, never teach anyone anything, unless requested, even if you are sure you are right.
- Do not try to help unless asked for. Just be ready & available for it if possible.
- Do not give unsolicited opinions all the time.
- Do not expect everyone to follow your opinion, even though you feel your opinion was the best...
- Don't impose yourself on anyone on any subject.
- Don't try to protect your loved ones from all the misfortunes of the World. Just love them & pray for them.
- Don't complain about your health, your neighbors, your retirement, your woes all the time.
- Don't expect gratitude from children.
- There are no ungrateful children, there are only stupid parents, who expect gratitude from their children.
- Don't waste your last money on anti-age treatments. It's useless.
- Better spend it on a trip. It's always worth it.
- Take care of your spouse, even if he/she becomes a wrinkled, helpless and moody old person. Don't forget he/she was once young, good looking and cheerful, may be he/she is the only one who really needs you right now.
- Understand new technologies, obsessively follow the News, constantly study something new, a new skill, a new dish, a new indoor game, do not fall behind in time.
- Don't blame yourself for whatever happened to your life or to your children's lives, you did everything you could.
- Preserve your dignity & integrity in any situation, till the end.
- Do your best, my senior Peers. This is very important. Remember, you're still alive, someone needs you. Do your best & leave the rest to The Almighty.
- I guess some friends are already following these tips.
Aging starts from the feet upwards !KEEP YOUR LEGS STRONG !!
- When we are old, our feet must always remain strong.
- When we gain ageing / grow aged, we should not be afraid of our hair turning grey (or) skin sagging (or) wrinkles.
- Among the signs of *longevity*, as summarized by the US Magazine
"Prevention", strong leg muscles are listed on the top, as the most important and essential one.
- If you do not move your legs for two weeks, your leg strength will decrease by 10 years.
- A study from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark found that both old and young, during the two weeks of *inactivity*, the legs muscle strength can weakened by a third which is equivalent to 20-30 years of ageing.
- As our leg muscles weaken, it will take a long time to recover, even if we do rehabilitation and exercises, later.
- Therefore, *regular exercise like walking, is very important*.
- The whole body weight/load remains and rest on the legs.
- The foot is a kind of *pillars*, bearing the weight of the human body.
- Interestingly, 50% of a person's bones and 50% of the muscles, are in the two legs.
- The largest and strongest joints and bones of the human body are also in the legs.
- "Strong bones, strong muscles, and flexible joints form the "Iron Triangle" that carries the most important load on the human body."
- 70% of human activity and burning of energy in one's life is done by the two feet.
- Do you know this? When a person is young, his *thighs have enough strengths, to lift a small car!*
- The *foot is the center of body locomotion*.
- Both the legs together have 50% of the nerves of the human body, 50% of the blood vessels and 50% of the blood flowing through them.
- It is the large circulatory network that connects the body.
- Only *when the feet are healthy then the convention current of blood flows,
smoothly, so people who have strong leg muscles will definitely have a _strong heart_*.
- *Aging starts from the feet upwards*.
- As a person gets older, the accuracy and speed of transmission of instructions between the brain and the legs decreases, unlike when a person is young.
- In addition, the so-called Bone Fertilizer Calcium will sooner or later be lost with the passage of time, making the elderly more prone to bone fractures.
- Bone fractures in the elderly can easily trigger a series of complications, especially fatal diseases such as brain thrombosis.
- Do you know that 15% of elderly patients will die within a year of a thigh-bone fracture.
- Exercising the legs, is never too late, even after the age of 60 years.
- Although our feet/legs will gradually age with time, exercising our feet/legs is a life-long task.
- Only by strengthening the legs, one can prevent further aging.
- Please walk for at least 30-40 minutes daily to ensure that your legs receive sufficient exercise and to ensure that your leg muscles remain healthy.
*U may like to share it with elderly friends and family members*.
- When we are old, our feet must always remain strong.
- When we gain ageing / grow aged, we should not be afraid of our hair turning grey (or) skin sagging (or) wrinkles.
- Among the signs of *longevity*, as summarized by the US Magazine
"Prevention", strong leg muscles are listed on the top, as the most important and essential one.
- If you do not move your legs for two weeks, your leg strength will decrease by 10 years.
- A study from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark found that both old and young, during the two weeks of *inactivity*, the legs muscle strength can weakened by a third which is equivalent to 20-30 years of ageing.
- As our leg muscles weaken, it will take a long time to recover, even if we do rehabilitation and exercises, later.
- Therefore, *regular exercise like walking, is very important*.
- The whole body weight/load remains and rest on the legs.
- The foot is a kind of *pillars*, bearing the weight of the human body.
- Interestingly, 50% of a person's bones and 50% of the muscles, are in the two legs.
- The largest and strongest joints and bones of the human body are also in the legs.
- "Strong bones, strong muscles, and flexible joints form the "Iron Triangle" that carries the most important load on the human body."
- 70% of human activity and burning of energy in one's life is done by the two feet.
- Do you know this? When a person is young, his *thighs have enough strengths, to lift a small car!*
- The *foot is the center of body locomotion*.
- Both the legs together have 50% of the nerves of the human body, 50% of the blood vessels and 50% of the blood flowing through them.
- It is the large circulatory network that connects the body.
- Only *when the feet are healthy then the convention current of blood flows,
smoothly, so people who have strong leg muscles will definitely have a _strong heart_*.
- *Aging starts from the feet upwards*.
- As a person gets older, the accuracy and speed of transmission of instructions between the brain and the legs decreases, unlike when a person is young.
- In addition, the so-called Bone Fertilizer Calcium will sooner or later be lost with the passage of time, making the elderly more prone to bone fractures.
- Bone fractures in the elderly can easily trigger a series of complications, especially fatal diseases such as brain thrombosis.
- Do you know that 15% of elderly patients will die within a year of a thigh-bone fracture.
- Exercising the legs, is never too late, even after the age of 60 years.
- Although our feet/legs will gradually age with time, exercising our feet/legs is a life-long task.
- Only by strengthening the legs, one can prevent further aging.
- Please walk for at least 30-40 minutes daily to ensure that your legs receive sufficient exercise and to ensure that your leg muscles remain healthy.
*U may like to share it with elderly friends and family members*.
Original article in Portuguese translated into English: https://the.ismaili/portugal/dan%C3%A7a ... rpo-e-alma
Dance of Body and Soul
Dance is one of the most suitable physical activities for seniors, because it activates physical movements, corrects body posture, stimulates cognitive skills such as concentration, memory, creativity and maintains emotional well-being.
english
We all have experienced and know the effects of positive and negative emotions on our behavior and our physical and mental well-being.
We often feel emotions about what is going on around us and with ourselves. Sometimes we feel joy, sometimes we feel sad, and sometimes we feel anger and fear.
We've all felt at some point “butterflies in the belly”, “chicken skin” or even “nerves on the skin”. These popular expressions clearly translate how emotions are felt at the physical level. But if some physical changes can benefit the proper functioning of our body, others, such as increased heart rate or intestinal dysregulation, can negatively influence our immune system and favor the entry of viruses and bacteria.
When we are doing “things” that we like, that give us satisfaction, we are also activating positive physiological reactions, which will influence the body's production of protective substances.
The opposite is also true, that is, when we do "things" that cause us discomfort and deep frustration/irritation, we are activating the excessive production of some substances that impair the functioning of our more sensitive organs, such as, for example, the intestine, the respiratory system, the cardiovascular system (or others).
For this reason, it is very important, especially for seniors, to balance their day-to-day activities with fun activities and good relationships, such as dancing, watching musical shows or participating in activities of artistic expression. In this way, we are ensuring a better physical and mental functioning.
Dance is one of the most suitable physical activities for seniors, because it activates physical movements, corrects body posture, stimulates cognitive skills such as concentration, memory (alignment of dance steps), creativity, and maintains emotional well-being.
Dancing is essentially allowing the body and soul to talk to the beat of the music.
Dance of Body and Soul
Dance is one of the most suitable physical activities for seniors, because it activates physical movements, corrects body posture, stimulates cognitive skills such as concentration, memory, creativity and maintains emotional well-being.
english
We all have experienced and know the effects of positive and negative emotions on our behavior and our physical and mental well-being.
We often feel emotions about what is going on around us and with ourselves. Sometimes we feel joy, sometimes we feel sad, and sometimes we feel anger and fear.
We've all felt at some point “butterflies in the belly”, “chicken skin” or even “nerves on the skin”. These popular expressions clearly translate how emotions are felt at the physical level. But if some physical changes can benefit the proper functioning of our body, others, such as increased heart rate or intestinal dysregulation, can negatively influence our immune system and favor the entry of viruses and bacteria.
When we are doing “things” that we like, that give us satisfaction, we are also activating positive physiological reactions, which will influence the body's production of protective substances.
The opposite is also true, that is, when we do "things" that cause us discomfort and deep frustration/irritation, we are activating the excessive production of some substances that impair the functioning of our more sensitive organs, such as, for example, the intestine, the respiratory system, the cardiovascular system (or others).
For this reason, it is very important, especially for seniors, to balance their day-to-day activities with fun activities and good relationships, such as dancing, watching musical shows or participating in activities of artistic expression. In this way, we are ensuring a better physical and mental functioning.
Dance is one of the most suitable physical activities for seniors, because it activates physical movements, corrects body posture, stimulates cognitive skills such as concentration, memory (alignment of dance steps), creativity, and maintains emotional well-being.
Dancing is essentially allowing the body and soul to talk to the beat of the music.
How Walking Can Build Up the Brain
Older men and women who walked for six months showed improvements in white matter and memory, while those who danced or did stretching exercises did not.
Exercise can freshen and renovate the white matter in our brains, potentially improving our ability to think and remember as we age, according to a new study of walking, dancing and brain health. It shows that white matter, which connects and supports the cells in our brains, remodels itself when people become more physically active. In those who remain sedentary, on the other hand, white matter tends to fray and shrink.
The findings underscore the dynamism of our brains and how they constantly transform themselves — for better and worse — in response to how we live and move.
The idea that adult brains can be malleable is a fairly recent finding, in scientific terms. Until the late 1990s, most researchers believed human brains were physically fixed and inflexible after early childhood. We were born, it was thought, with most of the brain cells we would ever have and could not make more. In this scenario, the structure and function of our brains would only decline with age.
But science advanced, thankfully, and revised that gloomy forecast. Complex studies using specialized dyes to identify newborn cells indicated that some parts of our brains create neurons deep into adulthood, a process known as neurogenesis. Follow-up studies then established that exercise amplifies neurogenesis. When rodents run, for example, they pump out three or four times as many new brain cells as inactive animals, while in people, beginning a program of regular exercise leads to greater brain volume. In essence, this research shows, our brains retain lifelong plasticity, changing as we do, including in response to how we exercise.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/14/well ... 778d3e6de3
Older men and women who walked for six months showed improvements in white matter and memory, while those who danced or did stretching exercises did not.
Exercise can freshen and renovate the white matter in our brains, potentially improving our ability to think and remember as we age, according to a new study of walking, dancing and brain health. It shows that white matter, which connects and supports the cells in our brains, remodels itself when people become more physically active. In those who remain sedentary, on the other hand, white matter tends to fray and shrink.
The findings underscore the dynamism of our brains and how they constantly transform themselves — for better and worse — in response to how we live and move.
The idea that adult brains can be malleable is a fairly recent finding, in scientific terms. Until the late 1990s, most researchers believed human brains were physically fixed and inflexible after early childhood. We were born, it was thought, with most of the brain cells we would ever have and could not make more. In this scenario, the structure and function of our brains would only decline with age.
But science advanced, thankfully, and revised that gloomy forecast. Complex studies using specialized dyes to identify newborn cells indicated that some parts of our brains create neurons deep into adulthood, a process known as neurogenesis. Follow-up studies then established that exercise amplifies neurogenesis. When rodents run, for example, they pump out three or four times as many new brain cells as inactive animals, while in people, beginning a program of regular exercise leads to greater brain volume. In essence, this research shows, our brains retain lifelong plasticity, changing as we do, including in response to how we exercise.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/14/well ... 778d3e6de3
A True Fountain Of Youth
Hi Karim,
Humankind has always sought to prolong youth, questing for elixirs and mythical fountains since time immemorial.
Nowadays, we know there are proven, powerful ways to extend youth and sustain well-being as we age -- and you don't have to scour the ends of the earth in order to find them.
Like most things in life, it's all about getting reliable, fact-based information from people you can trust.
That's why I decided to sign on as a speaker for this year's Younger Longer - Insider's Health Summit https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer, where myself and many other truth seekers will dive into the secrets of living a long and healthy life.
The creator of this event, Brian Vaszily, is one of the best interviewers I've ever met and the knowledge he's assembled here is going to blow you away.
Click here https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer to check it out
The Younger Longer Summit features a group of 22 renowned anti-aging doctors and researchers who will each share their deep, impassioned knowledge of anti-aging.
Brian challenged each of the speakers in the summit to answer one MISSION-CRITICAL question:
"From your unique area of expertise, what are the 3 simple and MOST effective steps that people must take to look and feel their best right now, avoid and possibly even overcome disease, and live long and well while doing it?"
That's it -- no fluff, just transformative facts from trusted experts that you can instantly implement in your own life as you begin your anti-aging journey.
Watch the trailer here https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer
What I love most about Brian is that he's all about outcomes. He's organized this summit to be as easy and effective as possible -- so you can gain expert anti-aging knowledge to apply in your own life. If you've been searching for a clear roadmap to learn super-simple steps that will boost your health, happiness, and longevity, then this event is ideal for you.
It's wonderful to be young, but your elder years can - and should - be the greatest years of your life... brimming with great health, vitality, and deeper meaning.
As the legendary motivational thinker Wayne Dyer taught -- you don't have to "think old." Instead of programming yourself with the belief that decline and break down is inevitable, you can empower yourself to embody the art of anti-aging.
https://www.thesacredscience.com/younger-longer-2021
Stay curious,
Nick Polizzi
Host of Proven: Healing Breakthroughs Backed By Science
& Founder of The Sacred Science
Hi Karim,
Humankind has always sought to prolong youth, questing for elixirs and mythical fountains since time immemorial.
Nowadays, we know there are proven, powerful ways to extend youth and sustain well-being as we age -- and you don't have to scour the ends of the earth in order to find them.
Like most things in life, it's all about getting reliable, fact-based information from people you can trust.
That's why I decided to sign on as a speaker for this year's Younger Longer - Insider's Health Summit https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer, where myself and many other truth seekers will dive into the secrets of living a long and healthy life.
The creator of this event, Brian Vaszily, is one of the best interviewers I've ever met and the knowledge he's assembled here is going to blow you away.
Click here https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer to check it out
The Younger Longer Summit features a group of 22 renowned anti-aging doctors and researchers who will each share their deep, impassioned knowledge of anti-aging.
Brian challenged each of the speakers in the summit to answer one MISSION-CRITICAL question:
"From your unique area of expertise, what are the 3 simple and MOST effective steps that people must take to look and feel their best right now, avoid and possibly even overcome disease, and live long and well while doing it?"
That's it -- no fluff, just transformative facts from trusted experts that you can instantly implement in your own life as you begin your anti-aging journey.
Watch the trailer here https://theartofantiaging.com/younger-l ... yljtrailer
What I love most about Brian is that he's all about outcomes. He's organized this summit to be as easy and effective as possible -- so you can gain expert anti-aging knowledge to apply in your own life. If you've been searching for a clear roadmap to learn super-simple steps that will boost your health, happiness, and longevity, then this event is ideal for you.
It's wonderful to be young, but your elder years can - and should - be the greatest years of your life... brimming with great health, vitality, and deeper meaning.
As the legendary motivational thinker Wayne Dyer taught -- you don't have to "think old." Instead of programming yourself with the belief that decline and break down is inevitable, you can empower yourself to embody the art of anti-aging.
https://www.thesacredscience.com/younger-longer-2021
Stay curious,
Nick Polizzi
Host of Proven: Healing Breakthroughs Backed By Science
& Founder of The Sacred Science
Nobody Wants to Live in a Nursing Home. Something’s Got to Give.
Few people dream of living out their golden years in a nursing home. The very idea sparks existential dread in many Americans, conjuring images of grim, institutional dumping grounds where society’s frailest and most vulnerable members aren’t so much cared for as warehoused. Scattered horror stories of neglect and abuse supercharge more prosaic fears about losing one’s autonomy.
The coronavirus pandemic made things all the more terrifying, tearing through facilities with brutal efficiency. The official Covid-19 death toll in U.S. nursing homes stands at more than 133,000, accounting for more than 1 in 5 of the nation’s pandemic fatalities.
Even prepandemic, most Americans said they wanted to age at home — 76 percent of those 50 and older, according to a 2018 survey by the AARP. The vast majority — over 90 percent of those 65 and older — are already doing just that. Looking to ease the strain this can put on families, President Biden has called for a $400 billion investment in home- and community-based care. Experts cheer the effort as crucial to addressing the challenges of America’s fast-graying population, a trend fueled by better medical care, longer life spans and a flood of aging baby boomers.
But the need for institutional care will not vanish. The United States had around 15,600 nursing homes serving 1.3 million residents, most 65 or older, as of 2015-2016 (the most recent data available). Even with additional resources, many seniors will require more support than can be provided at home. And the demographics are daunting: The number of Americans age 85 and older is expected to top 19 million by 2050.
American nursing homes are creatures of the last century. They sprang up in the 1930s as a gentler alternative to poor houses and later proliferated thanks to various government programs. As the name suggests, they take a highly medicalized approach to aging, and, by design, are reminiscent of hospitals.
Improvements in home-based care, including telemedicine, are enabling more people to remain at home longer. Assisted living and continuing-care communities are springing up, offering elaborate care, especially for more affluent seniors. This leaves traditional nursing homes as the province of the poorest and sickest — those with few other options.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/01/opin ... 778d3e6de3
Few people dream of living out their golden years in a nursing home. The very idea sparks existential dread in many Americans, conjuring images of grim, institutional dumping grounds where society’s frailest and most vulnerable members aren’t so much cared for as warehoused. Scattered horror stories of neglect and abuse supercharge more prosaic fears about losing one’s autonomy.
The coronavirus pandemic made things all the more terrifying, tearing through facilities with brutal efficiency. The official Covid-19 death toll in U.S. nursing homes stands at more than 133,000, accounting for more than 1 in 5 of the nation’s pandemic fatalities.
Even prepandemic, most Americans said they wanted to age at home — 76 percent of those 50 and older, according to a 2018 survey by the AARP. The vast majority — over 90 percent of those 65 and older — are already doing just that. Looking to ease the strain this can put on families, President Biden has called for a $400 billion investment in home- and community-based care. Experts cheer the effort as crucial to addressing the challenges of America’s fast-graying population, a trend fueled by better medical care, longer life spans and a flood of aging baby boomers.
But the need for institutional care will not vanish. The United States had around 15,600 nursing homes serving 1.3 million residents, most 65 or older, as of 2015-2016 (the most recent data available). Even with additional resources, many seniors will require more support than can be provided at home. And the demographics are daunting: The number of Americans age 85 and older is expected to top 19 million by 2050.
American nursing homes are creatures of the last century. They sprang up in the 1930s as a gentler alternative to poor houses and later proliferated thanks to various government programs. As the name suggests, they take a highly medicalized approach to aging, and, by design, are reminiscent of hospitals.
Improvements in home-based care, including telemedicine, are enabling more people to remain at home longer. Assisted living and continuing-care communities are springing up, offering elaborate care, especially for more affluent seniors. This leaves traditional nursing homes as the province of the poorest and sickest — those with few other options.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/01/opin ... 778d3e6de3
Getting Old Is a Crisis More and More Americans Can’t Afford
Growing old is an increasingly expensive privilege often requiring supports and services that, whether provided at home or in a facility, can overwhelm all but the wealthiest seniors. With Americans living longer and aging baby boomers flooding the system, the financial strain is becoming unsustainable.
Consider the demographics. In 2018, there were 52.4 million Americans age 65 or older and 6.5 million 85 or older. By 2040, those numbers will hit 80.8 million and 14.4 million, respectively. From now until 2030, an average of 10,000 baby boomers will turn 65 every day. Already, demand for care dwarfs supply. The Medicaid waiting list for home-based assistance has an average wait time of more than three years.
Next, factor in the financial reality of seniors. Nearly half of U.S. households headed by someone 55 or older have no retirement savings, according to 2016 data. Many Americans over 65 face trying to get by on Social Security income alone, which provides an average retirement benefit of $18,516 a year.
Compare this with the price of long-term care. Nationwide, the median cost of a semiprivate room in a nursing home is more than $93,000 a year, according to the 2020 Genworth Cost of Care Survey. The median yearly cost of employing a home health aide full time is around $50,000. And tens of millions of Americans are providing unpaid care to family members, costing the caregiver thousands in expenses per year on top of lost work time and wages.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/09/opin ... 778d3e6de3
Growing old is an increasingly expensive privilege often requiring supports and services that, whether provided at home or in a facility, can overwhelm all but the wealthiest seniors. With Americans living longer and aging baby boomers flooding the system, the financial strain is becoming unsustainable.
Consider the demographics. In 2018, there were 52.4 million Americans age 65 or older and 6.5 million 85 or older. By 2040, those numbers will hit 80.8 million and 14.4 million, respectively. From now until 2030, an average of 10,000 baby boomers will turn 65 every day. Already, demand for care dwarfs supply. The Medicaid waiting list for home-based assistance has an average wait time of more than three years.
Next, factor in the financial reality of seniors. Nearly half of U.S. households headed by someone 55 or older have no retirement savings, according to 2016 data. Many Americans over 65 face trying to get by on Social Security income alone, which provides an average retirement benefit of $18,516 a year.
Compare this with the price of long-term care. Nationwide, the median cost of a semiprivate room in a nursing home is more than $93,000 a year, according to the 2020 Genworth Cost of Care Survey. The median yearly cost of employing a home health aide full time is around $50,000. And tens of millions of Americans are providing unpaid care to family members, costing the caregiver thousands in expenses per year on top of lost work time and wages.
More...
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/09/opin ... 778d3e6de3
You’re Not Running Out of Time
Dear Karim,
Recently, I have been around a few family members who have turned 30.
They seem to have one thing in common: the realization that they are starting to get older and that it’s time to start working on the goals they thought they would have already accomplished by now.
I remember when I turned 30…30+ years ago. That was the time I realized that the advice my mom and other older people had given me in my teens and twenties was better than I had originally thought.
I can’t wait until my kids have that realization.
Thinking about those conversations—and my own experience—got me reflecting on how we all deal with getting older.
For many people, especially when they pass 30, getting older can bring on the anxiety of "What now?" or "What's next?”. It feels like they’re leaving their youth behind. Then, when they get to 40, 50, 60, and older, they start feeling like they’re running out of time.
As I look back at the past 60 years, it’s clear that getting older just makes you a whole lot smarter about life and more certain about your purpose. So, I view aging as a positive thing, rather than something to dread (as so many do).
When it comes to getting older, Louise Hay was such an inspiration. She always thought of aging as an opportunity to put her wisdom to work in new and creative ways.
She started Hay House at 60 years old, learned to paint at 70, took ballroom dancing classes at 80, and wrote her last book at 90. For Louise, age truly was just a number, and nothing could hold her back from living her best life.
Every year, Louise would come up with new goals and ideas, and then cover her house or condo with affirmations to help her achieve those goals. And let me tell you, all the goals were achieved, as Louise was a master manifester with the aid of affirmations.
We can’t turn back the clock (no matter how hard we may try!). But we can use this time to get wiser, have more fun, and achieve our biggest goals.
Have a wonderful week ahead.
Wishing You the Best,
Reid Tracy
CEO, Hay House
Re: THE ELDERLY
New secrets of the world’s longest living people
Hi Karim,
Is it possible to halt or reverse the aging process?
Some researchers think so.
It’s undeniable, though, that some people age gracefully, remaining healthy, happy, and energized well into their golden years…
While others suffer from chronic pain, depression, or cognitive decline.
What makes the difference??
And what can you do to sustain your mental sharpness, maintain your physical independence and your mental well-being —or even boost them—as you grow older?
First and foremost, Karim, it’s essential that we understand WHAT AGING IS from a biological perspective — and how a variety of factors influence this process.
Once you do that, you can make simple yet powerful changes to reduce or even reverse the effects of aging.
But where do we start?
Thankfully, my good friend and integrative health practitioner Jason Prall has created the most comprehensive and inspiring roadmap for health and longevity...
→ A fascinating, nine-part docuseries called The Human Longevity Project, and he’s sharing it with our community at no cost!
Save Your Seat Here! https://humanlongevityfilm.com/trailer2 ... &am_id=569
Jason and his team traveled the globe, from Ikaria and Okinawa, to Sardinia and Costa Rica, to interview the world’s healthiest and longest-living people.
They then teamed up with the most trusted doctors, scientists, researchers, and healers on the planet to bring you this life-changing content.
Each episode is PACKED with groundbreaking research and PROVEN wisdom for living a longer, happier life.
Here’s a quick preview of what you’ll discover in each episode:
Episode 1 – The Truth About Aging: Can it Be Slowed or Even Reversed?
Episode 2 – The Gut & Immune System: How Microbes Keep You Free of Disease
Episode 3 – Diet & Exercise: The Surprising Habits of Healthy Populations
Episode 4 – Toxic Planet: How to Be Healthy in a Sick World
Episode 5 – Sleep, Light & Disease: Where The Western World Went Wrong and How To Fix It
Episode 6 – Raising Healthy Kids: Fertility, Pregnancy, Birth, and Beyond
Episode 7 – Purpose, Gratitude, and Community: What Healthy Societies Know That We Don’t
Episode 8 – Cancer & Alzheimer’s: How Centenarians Avoid Diseases of Aging
Episode 9 – The Way Forward: Combining Ancient Wisdom With Modern Technology
Click here to check out the trailer for The Human Longevity Project https://humanlongevityfilm.com/trailer2 ... &am_id=569
What you’ll discover isn’t just about adding years to your life...
It’s about adding life to your years — starting RIGHT NOW.
Don’t miss this free, powerful streaming event — starting June 30th, 2025.
To your health,
Fleet Maull, PhD
Heart Mind Institute Founder
Hi Karim,
Is it possible to halt or reverse the aging process?
Some researchers think so.
It’s undeniable, though, that some people age gracefully, remaining healthy, happy, and energized well into their golden years…
While others suffer from chronic pain, depression, or cognitive decline.
What makes the difference??
And what can you do to sustain your mental sharpness, maintain your physical independence and your mental well-being —or even boost them—as you grow older?
First and foremost, Karim, it’s essential that we understand WHAT AGING IS from a biological perspective — and how a variety of factors influence this process.
Once you do that, you can make simple yet powerful changes to reduce or even reverse the effects of aging.
But where do we start?
Thankfully, my good friend and integrative health practitioner Jason Prall has created the most comprehensive and inspiring roadmap for health and longevity...
→ A fascinating, nine-part docuseries called The Human Longevity Project, and he’s sharing it with our community at no cost!
Save Your Seat Here! https://humanlongevityfilm.com/trailer2 ... &am_id=569
Jason and his team traveled the globe, from Ikaria and Okinawa, to Sardinia and Costa Rica, to interview the world’s healthiest and longest-living people.
They then teamed up with the most trusted doctors, scientists, researchers, and healers on the planet to bring you this life-changing content.
Each episode is PACKED with groundbreaking research and PROVEN wisdom for living a longer, happier life.
Here’s a quick preview of what you’ll discover in each episode:
Episode 1 – The Truth About Aging: Can it Be Slowed or Even Reversed?
Episode 2 – The Gut & Immune System: How Microbes Keep You Free of Disease
Episode 3 – Diet & Exercise: The Surprising Habits of Healthy Populations
Episode 4 – Toxic Planet: How to Be Healthy in a Sick World
Episode 5 – Sleep, Light & Disease: Where The Western World Went Wrong and How To Fix It
Episode 6 – Raising Healthy Kids: Fertility, Pregnancy, Birth, and Beyond
Episode 7 – Purpose, Gratitude, and Community: What Healthy Societies Know That We Don’t
Episode 8 – Cancer & Alzheimer’s: How Centenarians Avoid Diseases of Aging
Episode 9 – The Way Forward: Combining Ancient Wisdom With Modern Technology
Click here to check out the trailer for The Human Longevity Project https://humanlongevityfilm.com/trailer2 ... &am_id=569
What you’ll discover isn’t just about adding years to your life...
It’s about adding life to your years — starting RIGHT NOW.
Don’t miss this free, powerful streaming event — starting June 30th, 2025.
To your health,
Fleet Maull, PhD
Heart Mind Institute Founder
Re: THE ELDERLY
In China, the Dream of Outrunning Time
Longevity labs, “immortality islands” and grapeseed pills are part of China’s national project to conquer aging, despite sometimes shaky science and extravagant claims.
Video
Attendees trying out a cryogenic therapy room at a longevity and anti-aging conference in Shanghai, in September.
By Andrew HigginsVisuals by Qilai Shen
Reporting from Shenzhen and Shanghai
Nov. 8, 2025
When a Chinese state television microphone recently caught China’s top leader, Xi Jinping, and President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia musing about the possibility of living to 150 and perhaps even forever, many reacted with anxious consternation.
But there has been no tut-tutting in the laboratory of Lonvi Biosciences, a longevity medicine start-up in the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen. “Living to 150 is definitely realistic,” said Lyu Qinghua, the chief technology officer of the company, which has developed anti-aging pills based on a compound found in grapeseed extract. “In a few years, this will be the reality.”
He is skeptical about modern medicine defeating death entirely — something Mr. Putin said was possible with organ transplants — but he thinks that longevity science is advancing so fast even the seemingly impossible might come to pass.
“In five to 10 years, nobody will get cancer,” he predicted.
The search for the elixir of life, embraced with gusto in recent years by American tech billionaires like Peter Thiel, has been underway in China for more than two millenniums. It started with the first emperor, Qin Shi Huang, who ordered a nationwide hunt for death-defying potions. Just in case that did not work, he also ordered the creation of thousands of terra-cotta warriors to protect him in his grave should he die.
The emperor died at 49, possibly from mercury poisoning caused by an anti-aging treatment.
ImageTwo men standing in the doorways of adjacent offices with glass walls.
The chief technology officer Lyu Qinghua, left, and the chief executive Yip (Zico) Tszho of Lonvi Biosciences, a longevity-drug start-up, in Shenzhen in October.
Image
Mr. Lyu in a biochemistry lab at Lonvi Biosciences.
Image
Boxes of the company’s procyanidin C1 pills, which contain a compound that purportedly purges the human body of so-called zombie cells.
A whiff of quackery has hung over the longevity business from the start. But investment from the state and private companies, as well as surging interest among both Chinese leaders and the public, have turned it into a legitimate and sometimes lucrative branch of medicine.
China, eager to catch up with and, whenever possible, surpass the West in biotech, artificial intelligence and other advanced technologies, has made the longevity industry a national priority, pouring billions into research and related commercial spinoffs.
“They have improved very rapidly. A few years ago, there was nothing here and the West was still far ahead,” said Vadim Gladyshev, a Harvard Medical School professor who has done pioneering work on longevity, including an experiment that extended the expected life span of old mice by connecting their circulatory systems to young mice.
Chinese researchers, he said during a recent trip to China to attend two scientific conferences, “are rapidly catching up.”
China’s average life expectancy last year reached 79 years, five years higher than the global average, according to The People’s Daily, the Communist Party’s mouthpiece.
But that, achieved through steady improvements in health care and lifestyle, is still behind Japan’s average of nearly 85 years and a long way from the 150 years mentioned by Mr. Xi.
Mr. Xi and Mr. Putin, both 72, may have just been making small talk. But they were taken seriously by exiled opponents of the Communist Party, who pointed to a 2019 video that appeared on Chinese social media purporting to be a promotional pitch by an elite military hospital in Beijing, 301, which treats senior officials.
The video, which was quickly scrubbed by Chinese censors, boasted that the hospital was doing pioneering work for the “981 Leaders’ Health Project” — and aimed to extend the life span of senior party figures to 150 years.
“The average life span of Chinese leaders is far longer than the life span of leaders in developed nations,” the video said, pointing to decades of work by the hospital to keep alive leaders like Mao Zedong, who died at 82 in 1976, and Deng Xiaoping, who was 92 when he died in 1997.
Sensitive to all discussion of leaders’ health, Chinese state television, which inadvertently captured the conversation between the leaders before a military parade in Beijing in September, ordered Western news services to delete the footage.
The hot-mic musings aside, China’s enthusiasm for extending life-span has grown in tandem with its rapid economic growth, which has given hundreds of millions of people the time and money needed to look beyond surviving day-to-day.
One Chinese company riding the tide has been Time Pie, a Shanghai-based group that got its start marketing dietary supplements and now organizes scientific conferences and publishes a magazine, Aging Slow, Living Well.
Image
A man wears a hospital mask and head scarf in a conference booth.
A booth pitching “immortality islands” at a longevity and anti-aging conference in September in Shanghai.
Image
Supplements and treatments on display on the sidelines of the conference.
Image
Participants promoted various anti-aging products.
“Nobody in China was talking about longevity before, only rich Americans,” said Gan Yu, the company’s co-founder. “Now many Chinese are interested and have the money they need to extend their lives.”
Surging interest was on display at a recent international gathering organized by Time Pie in Shanghai of Chinese and foreign scientists presenting their research, as well as businesses hawking anti-aging creams and potions, goji berries, cryogenic and hyperbaric chambers and other devices that are supposed to slow aging.
Rlab, a Shanghai-based company that claims “technology can prevent humans from aging,” invited prospective customers to enter what looked like a telephone booth — a cryogenic device in which the temperature drops to minus 200 Fahrenheit. Ivor Yu, an entrepreneur from northeast China in the longevity business, stepped in, only to jump out after a few seconds, shivering from the cold. He also inspected the company’s “anti-aging magic box.” He left without buying.
SuperiorMed, a health care company that runs what it says is the world’s biggest “longevity hospital” in the Chinese city of Chengdu, promoted “immortality islands,” though it acknowledged they do not exist yet. The company’s founder, Li Dale, was vague about whether “immortality islands” would be anything more than luxury health spas offering blood tests and other forms of preventive medicine in exotic locales.
But the conference also attracted serious scientists like Harvard’s Prof. Gladyshev and Steve Horvath, a German American aging researcher who is a legend in the field for his work developing the first “aging clock,” a measure of aging biomarkers.
Longevity science, Mr. Horvath said, used to be dominated by “wild claims” that alienated many legitimate scientists, but has seen a “vast improvement” in recent years, including in China. “Nobody serious talks about immortality at scientific conferences anymore because it is so absurd,” he added.
But the idea of living forever lingers as a marketing tool. Immortal Dragons, a Singapore investment fund focused on longevity projects, is run by a young entrepreneur from China, Bo Yang Wang, who has explored moneymaking opportunities in cryopreservation, 3-D printing of organs and “whole-body replacement.”
Lonvi, the longevity start-up in Shenzhen, has more modest goals.
It opened a lab in 2022 in a business tower on the edge of the sprawling Chinese city next to Hong Kong after scientists in Shanghai discovered that a natural compound found in grapeseed extract — procyanidin C1 or PCC1 — increased the life span of mice by selectively killing senescent, or aged, cells and protecting healthy cells. (Lonvi is not connected to the Shanghai scientists.)
Mice treated with the compound lived 9.4 percent longer across their lifetime — and 64.2 percent longer from the start of treatment.
The findings, published in an article in Nature Metabolism in 2021, were groundbreaking. But in September, the journal issued an editor’s note alerting readers to “errors in the data,” though it did not retract the article. Subsequent studies, including one in Japan, have supported the initial claims.
Translating what works for mice to human beings requires long and rigorous testing, and what works for mice often disappoints with people, said David Barzilai, an American medical doctor and founder of Barzilai Longevity Consulting. The “canonical example” of this, he said, is rapamycin, a compound that has been proven to “robustly” extend the life span of mice and other animals but has “uncertain” effect on healthy human adults.
China, he said, “is increasingly taking longevity and aging biology seriously at both the institutional and policy level.” But, he added, “strong scientific intent does not guarantee uniformly high rigor or translational success. The challenge is not just doing more, but doing better.”
Image
A woman wearing ear muffs and thick gloves stands behind a glass wall.
Attendees trying out a cryogenic therapy room at a longevity and anti-aging conference in Shanghai in September.
Image
People sitting with masks attached to their faces.
Testing Rlab’s ultra carbon-fiber hyperbaric oxygen masks.
Image
People standing around booths in a big, red-lit room.
Rlab red light therapy chambers.
Grapeseed has long been popular as a health food in the West and in traditional Chinese medicine. But Lonvi claims to have isolated molecules within it that “kill zombie cells” — aging cells that do not die and hurt healthy cells — and to have found a way to produce capsules containing high concentrations of these.
“This is not just one more pill. This is the holy grail,” said Yip Tszho, who goes by the name Zico, Lonvi’s chief executive.
The company thinks its pills, combined with a healthy lifestyle and good medical care, can help people live past 100 and up to 120.
David Furman, an associate professor at the Buck Institute, a biomedical research center at Stanford University devoted to research on aging, said the Chinese pills “seem promising” but need to be tested in large clinical trials.
The Buck Institute, he said, is going to start trials to “demonstrate efficacy and validate” the company’s “previous findings and claims.”
Mr. Yip still sees a big market, not only for people with money but also their pets.
Referring to China’s first emperor, he said: “Rich people are like Qin Shi Huang and they are looking for immortality — or at least longer lives.”
Andrew Higgins is the East and Central Europe bureau chief for The Times based in Warsaw, on temporary assignment in Shanghai.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/08/worl ... e9677ea768
Longevity labs, “immortality islands” and grapeseed pills are part of China’s national project to conquer aging, despite sometimes shaky science and extravagant claims.
Video
Attendees trying out a cryogenic therapy room at a longevity and anti-aging conference in Shanghai, in September.
By Andrew HigginsVisuals by Qilai Shen
Reporting from Shenzhen and Shanghai
Nov. 8, 2025
When a Chinese state television microphone recently caught China’s top leader, Xi Jinping, and President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia musing about the possibility of living to 150 and perhaps even forever, many reacted with anxious consternation.
But there has been no tut-tutting in the laboratory of Lonvi Biosciences, a longevity medicine start-up in the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen. “Living to 150 is definitely realistic,” said Lyu Qinghua, the chief technology officer of the company, which has developed anti-aging pills based on a compound found in grapeseed extract. “In a few years, this will be the reality.”
He is skeptical about modern medicine defeating death entirely — something Mr. Putin said was possible with organ transplants — but he thinks that longevity science is advancing so fast even the seemingly impossible might come to pass.
“In five to 10 years, nobody will get cancer,” he predicted.
The search for the elixir of life, embraced with gusto in recent years by American tech billionaires like Peter Thiel, has been underway in China for more than two millenniums. It started with the first emperor, Qin Shi Huang, who ordered a nationwide hunt for death-defying potions. Just in case that did not work, he also ordered the creation of thousands of terra-cotta warriors to protect him in his grave should he die.
The emperor died at 49, possibly from mercury poisoning caused by an anti-aging treatment.
ImageTwo men standing in the doorways of adjacent offices with glass walls.
The chief technology officer Lyu Qinghua, left, and the chief executive Yip (Zico) Tszho of Lonvi Biosciences, a longevity-drug start-up, in Shenzhen in October.
Image
Mr. Lyu in a biochemistry lab at Lonvi Biosciences.
Image
Boxes of the company’s procyanidin C1 pills, which contain a compound that purportedly purges the human body of so-called zombie cells.
A whiff of quackery has hung over the longevity business from the start. But investment from the state and private companies, as well as surging interest among both Chinese leaders and the public, have turned it into a legitimate and sometimes lucrative branch of medicine.
China, eager to catch up with and, whenever possible, surpass the West in biotech, artificial intelligence and other advanced technologies, has made the longevity industry a national priority, pouring billions into research and related commercial spinoffs.
“They have improved very rapidly. A few years ago, there was nothing here and the West was still far ahead,” said Vadim Gladyshev, a Harvard Medical School professor who has done pioneering work on longevity, including an experiment that extended the expected life span of old mice by connecting their circulatory systems to young mice.
Chinese researchers, he said during a recent trip to China to attend two scientific conferences, “are rapidly catching up.”
China’s average life expectancy last year reached 79 years, five years higher than the global average, according to The People’s Daily, the Communist Party’s mouthpiece.
But that, achieved through steady improvements in health care and lifestyle, is still behind Japan’s average of nearly 85 years and a long way from the 150 years mentioned by Mr. Xi.
Mr. Xi and Mr. Putin, both 72, may have just been making small talk. But they were taken seriously by exiled opponents of the Communist Party, who pointed to a 2019 video that appeared on Chinese social media purporting to be a promotional pitch by an elite military hospital in Beijing, 301, which treats senior officials.
The video, which was quickly scrubbed by Chinese censors, boasted that the hospital was doing pioneering work for the “981 Leaders’ Health Project” — and aimed to extend the life span of senior party figures to 150 years.
“The average life span of Chinese leaders is far longer than the life span of leaders in developed nations,” the video said, pointing to decades of work by the hospital to keep alive leaders like Mao Zedong, who died at 82 in 1976, and Deng Xiaoping, who was 92 when he died in 1997.
Sensitive to all discussion of leaders’ health, Chinese state television, which inadvertently captured the conversation between the leaders before a military parade in Beijing in September, ordered Western news services to delete the footage.
The hot-mic musings aside, China’s enthusiasm for extending life-span has grown in tandem with its rapid economic growth, which has given hundreds of millions of people the time and money needed to look beyond surviving day-to-day.
One Chinese company riding the tide has been Time Pie, a Shanghai-based group that got its start marketing dietary supplements and now organizes scientific conferences and publishes a magazine, Aging Slow, Living Well.
Image
A man wears a hospital mask and head scarf in a conference booth.
A booth pitching “immortality islands” at a longevity and anti-aging conference in September in Shanghai.
Image
Supplements and treatments on display on the sidelines of the conference.
Image
Participants promoted various anti-aging products.
“Nobody in China was talking about longevity before, only rich Americans,” said Gan Yu, the company’s co-founder. “Now many Chinese are interested and have the money they need to extend their lives.”
Surging interest was on display at a recent international gathering organized by Time Pie in Shanghai of Chinese and foreign scientists presenting their research, as well as businesses hawking anti-aging creams and potions, goji berries, cryogenic and hyperbaric chambers and other devices that are supposed to slow aging.
Rlab, a Shanghai-based company that claims “technology can prevent humans from aging,” invited prospective customers to enter what looked like a telephone booth — a cryogenic device in which the temperature drops to minus 200 Fahrenheit. Ivor Yu, an entrepreneur from northeast China in the longevity business, stepped in, only to jump out after a few seconds, shivering from the cold. He also inspected the company’s “anti-aging magic box.” He left without buying.
SuperiorMed, a health care company that runs what it says is the world’s biggest “longevity hospital” in the Chinese city of Chengdu, promoted “immortality islands,” though it acknowledged they do not exist yet. The company’s founder, Li Dale, was vague about whether “immortality islands” would be anything more than luxury health spas offering blood tests and other forms of preventive medicine in exotic locales.
But the conference also attracted serious scientists like Harvard’s Prof. Gladyshev and Steve Horvath, a German American aging researcher who is a legend in the field for his work developing the first “aging clock,” a measure of aging biomarkers.
Longevity science, Mr. Horvath said, used to be dominated by “wild claims” that alienated many legitimate scientists, but has seen a “vast improvement” in recent years, including in China. “Nobody serious talks about immortality at scientific conferences anymore because it is so absurd,” he added.
But the idea of living forever lingers as a marketing tool. Immortal Dragons, a Singapore investment fund focused on longevity projects, is run by a young entrepreneur from China, Bo Yang Wang, who has explored moneymaking opportunities in cryopreservation, 3-D printing of organs and “whole-body replacement.”
Lonvi, the longevity start-up in Shenzhen, has more modest goals.
It opened a lab in 2022 in a business tower on the edge of the sprawling Chinese city next to Hong Kong after scientists in Shanghai discovered that a natural compound found in grapeseed extract — procyanidin C1 or PCC1 — increased the life span of mice by selectively killing senescent, or aged, cells and protecting healthy cells. (Lonvi is not connected to the Shanghai scientists.)
Mice treated with the compound lived 9.4 percent longer across their lifetime — and 64.2 percent longer from the start of treatment.
The findings, published in an article in Nature Metabolism in 2021, were groundbreaking. But in September, the journal issued an editor’s note alerting readers to “errors in the data,” though it did not retract the article. Subsequent studies, including one in Japan, have supported the initial claims.
Translating what works for mice to human beings requires long and rigorous testing, and what works for mice often disappoints with people, said David Barzilai, an American medical doctor and founder of Barzilai Longevity Consulting. The “canonical example” of this, he said, is rapamycin, a compound that has been proven to “robustly” extend the life span of mice and other animals but has “uncertain” effect on healthy human adults.
China, he said, “is increasingly taking longevity and aging biology seriously at both the institutional and policy level.” But, he added, “strong scientific intent does not guarantee uniformly high rigor or translational success. The challenge is not just doing more, but doing better.”
Image
A woman wearing ear muffs and thick gloves stands behind a glass wall.
Attendees trying out a cryogenic therapy room at a longevity and anti-aging conference in Shanghai in September.
Image
People sitting with masks attached to their faces.
Testing Rlab’s ultra carbon-fiber hyperbaric oxygen masks.
Image
People standing around booths in a big, red-lit room.
Rlab red light therapy chambers.
Grapeseed has long been popular as a health food in the West and in traditional Chinese medicine. But Lonvi claims to have isolated molecules within it that “kill zombie cells” — aging cells that do not die and hurt healthy cells — and to have found a way to produce capsules containing high concentrations of these.
“This is not just one more pill. This is the holy grail,” said Yip Tszho, who goes by the name Zico, Lonvi’s chief executive.
The company thinks its pills, combined with a healthy lifestyle and good medical care, can help people live past 100 and up to 120.
David Furman, an associate professor at the Buck Institute, a biomedical research center at Stanford University devoted to research on aging, said the Chinese pills “seem promising” but need to be tested in large clinical trials.
The Buck Institute, he said, is going to start trials to “demonstrate efficacy and validate” the company’s “previous findings and claims.”
Mr. Yip still sees a big market, not only for people with money but also their pets.
Referring to China’s first emperor, he said: “Rich people are like Qin Shi Huang and they are looking for immortality — or at least longer lives.”
Andrew Higgins is the East and Central Europe bureau chief for The Times based in Warsaw, on temporary assignment in Shanghai.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/08/worl ... e9677ea768
Re: THE ELDERLY
I’m 62. Stop Telling Me I’m Old.
By Ken Stern
Mr. Stern is the author of “Healthy to 100: How Strong Social Ties Lead to Long Lives.”
We have reached Peak 65: There are more than 4.1 million Americans turning 65 each year through 2027, a record surge. Baby boomers will have all sorts of ways to mark the occasion, but underneath the cake and usual Social Security jokes lies the unease about the fact that the birthday boys and girls will now be officially “old.”
American society uses all sorts of markers to define old age. The Age Discrimination in Employment Act began to protect me from ageism in the workplace when I turned 40. I qualified as “near elderly” under the rules of the Department of Housing and Urban Development when I turned 50, and happy day, I started receiving a senior citizen discount at my local Harris Teeter grocery store the day I turned 60 — though for some reason, only on Thursdays.
But if there is a commonly accepted age for becoming old in America, it’s 65. That’s when I will become eligible for Medicare coverage, and it’s been, roughly speaking, the most common retirement age for American men for the last 60 years.
It is strange that we use the calendar in such a deterministic fashion, since we all age so differently. If you’ve met one 70-year-old, you’ve met one 70-year-old. I’m 62, active, healthy and still working. But in the last few weeks, I’ve been shamed on the pickleball court and at the gym by people in their 70s, and also visited with a 70-year-old whose body had betrayed her so much that the simplest acts of showering and toiletry are far beyond her capacities. As life expectancy continues to extend, chronological age is telling us less and less about people’s physical and cognitive abilities.
Sixty-five has long been a generally accepted demarcation for old age. But it’s been with us so long that the definitions make little sense — and now operate to our collective detriment.
Let’s take work and retirement. We have been conditioned to believe that retirement should begin around the age of 65, and that belief holds extraordinary sway over our behaviors and economy. Mandatory retirement has largely been illegal in this country for decades, and yet we treat retiring at age 65 as some sort of biological imperative. The average retirement age for American men in 1962 was a little over 65 (when average life expectancy was 67), and the average retirement age for men in 2022 was a little under 65 (even though their average life expectancy is now about 75).
This doesn’t make great sense, especially when we begin to understand the historical origins of this expectation. We can trace our understanding of the right time to retire all the way back to the 1880s, when Chancellor Otto von Bismarck of Germany created the world’s first public pension plan. He set a retirement age of 70 — subsequently reduced to 65 — at a time when the average life expectancy was only around 40. Some workers beat the actuarial tables to reach retirement age, but most did not, as von Bismarck most likely expected.
Almost a century and a half later, his benchmark still defines how we think about life’s transitions and old age, even though we are much more physically adept than our recent ancestors. You’ve certainly heard people say that 70 is the new 60 or some such similar sentiment. It would be easy to dismiss such statements — except that it understates the physical advancements that we have made over the last half-century.
The best data on this comes from the Japanese, who have been tracking the physical progress of older generations for decades. They do so by measuring both walking speed and grip strength, two widely accepted measures of physical capacity among older adults. Over a period of 20 years, the walking speeds of older Japanese men and women increased at significant rates. Today’s 75- to 79-year-olds walk faster than those five years younger did a generation prior. The data in Japan is particularly notable, but similar studies have shown progress across generations in the advanced economies of the world.
Being prematurely classified as old has negative consequences for both individuals and society. American businesses’ tendency to disfavor “old” workers cuts millions of people off from social networks, exposing them to greater risks of loneliness and social isolation. And older people in the United States often perceive themselves to be old and declining, as you might expect from a lifetime of living in what is often thought of as one of the most ageist societies on earth.
Becca Levy, a psychologist at the Yale School of Public Health, has found that older adults who take in more negative attitudes on aging tend to be less mobile, have poorer memory, recover more slowly from injury and disease, are more susceptible to cognitive decline and tend to die an average of 7.5 years sooner than similarly situated peers with more positive attitudes on aging.
All this raises more questions than it answers. If 65 is not old anymore, is 70 or 75? Do I have to give up my Harris Teeter discount if I’m still working and healthy? I’ll keep the discount, but I will reject the notion that there is any longer a useful universal demarcation between middle age and old age. I’ll know it when I see it — but it might be different for you than it is for me.
More on aging and culture
Opinion | Roger Rosenblatt
I’d Like to Stay 85 Forever https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/26/opin ... -joys.html
Oct. 26, 2025
Opinion | Roger Rosenblatt and Janik Söllner
10 Tips for Being Happily 85 Years Old (Like Me) https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/13/opin ... older.html
April 13, 2025
Opinion | Emily Holzknecht and Binyamin Appelbaum
Thanks a Lot, Boomers https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/17/opin ... tions.html
Oct. 17, 2025
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/27/opin ... e9677ea768
By Ken Stern
Mr. Stern is the author of “Healthy to 100: How Strong Social Ties Lead to Long Lives.”
We have reached Peak 65: There are more than 4.1 million Americans turning 65 each year through 2027, a record surge. Baby boomers will have all sorts of ways to mark the occasion, but underneath the cake and usual Social Security jokes lies the unease about the fact that the birthday boys and girls will now be officially “old.”
American society uses all sorts of markers to define old age. The Age Discrimination in Employment Act began to protect me from ageism in the workplace when I turned 40. I qualified as “near elderly” under the rules of the Department of Housing and Urban Development when I turned 50, and happy day, I started receiving a senior citizen discount at my local Harris Teeter grocery store the day I turned 60 — though for some reason, only on Thursdays.
But if there is a commonly accepted age for becoming old in America, it’s 65. That’s when I will become eligible for Medicare coverage, and it’s been, roughly speaking, the most common retirement age for American men for the last 60 years.
It is strange that we use the calendar in such a deterministic fashion, since we all age so differently. If you’ve met one 70-year-old, you’ve met one 70-year-old. I’m 62, active, healthy and still working. But in the last few weeks, I’ve been shamed on the pickleball court and at the gym by people in their 70s, and also visited with a 70-year-old whose body had betrayed her so much that the simplest acts of showering and toiletry are far beyond her capacities. As life expectancy continues to extend, chronological age is telling us less and less about people’s physical and cognitive abilities.
Sixty-five has long been a generally accepted demarcation for old age. But it’s been with us so long that the definitions make little sense — and now operate to our collective detriment.
Let’s take work and retirement. We have been conditioned to believe that retirement should begin around the age of 65, and that belief holds extraordinary sway over our behaviors and economy. Mandatory retirement has largely been illegal in this country for decades, and yet we treat retiring at age 65 as some sort of biological imperative. The average retirement age for American men in 1962 was a little over 65 (when average life expectancy was 67), and the average retirement age for men in 2022 was a little under 65 (even though their average life expectancy is now about 75).
This doesn’t make great sense, especially when we begin to understand the historical origins of this expectation. We can trace our understanding of the right time to retire all the way back to the 1880s, when Chancellor Otto von Bismarck of Germany created the world’s first public pension plan. He set a retirement age of 70 — subsequently reduced to 65 — at a time when the average life expectancy was only around 40. Some workers beat the actuarial tables to reach retirement age, but most did not, as von Bismarck most likely expected.
Almost a century and a half later, his benchmark still defines how we think about life’s transitions and old age, even though we are much more physically adept than our recent ancestors. You’ve certainly heard people say that 70 is the new 60 or some such similar sentiment. It would be easy to dismiss such statements — except that it understates the physical advancements that we have made over the last half-century.
The best data on this comes from the Japanese, who have been tracking the physical progress of older generations for decades. They do so by measuring both walking speed and grip strength, two widely accepted measures of physical capacity among older adults. Over a period of 20 years, the walking speeds of older Japanese men and women increased at significant rates. Today’s 75- to 79-year-olds walk faster than those five years younger did a generation prior. The data in Japan is particularly notable, but similar studies have shown progress across generations in the advanced economies of the world.
Being prematurely classified as old has negative consequences for both individuals and society. American businesses’ tendency to disfavor “old” workers cuts millions of people off from social networks, exposing them to greater risks of loneliness and social isolation. And older people in the United States often perceive themselves to be old and declining, as you might expect from a lifetime of living in what is often thought of as one of the most ageist societies on earth.
Becca Levy, a psychologist at the Yale School of Public Health, has found that older adults who take in more negative attitudes on aging tend to be less mobile, have poorer memory, recover more slowly from injury and disease, are more susceptible to cognitive decline and tend to die an average of 7.5 years sooner than similarly situated peers with more positive attitudes on aging.
All this raises more questions than it answers. If 65 is not old anymore, is 70 or 75? Do I have to give up my Harris Teeter discount if I’m still working and healthy? I’ll keep the discount, but I will reject the notion that there is any longer a useful universal demarcation between middle age and old age. I’ll know it when I see it — but it might be different for you than it is for me.
More on aging and culture
Opinion | Roger Rosenblatt
I’d Like to Stay 85 Forever https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/26/opin ... -joys.html
Oct. 26, 2025
Opinion | Roger Rosenblatt and Janik Söllner
10 Tips for Being Happily 85 Years Old (Like Me) https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/13/opin ... older.html
April 13, 2025
Opinion | Emily Holzknecht and Binyamin Appelbaum
Thanks a Lot, Boomers https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/17/opin ... tions.html
Oct. 17, 2025
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/27/opin ... e9677ea768
Re: THE ELDERLY
Caregivers need time off to enjoy nature, as well as seniorsPexels-Pixabay
By Nilofar Karim, RN, MN.
“There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” Rosalynn Carter, former First Lady of the United States.
The world population’s life expectancy has generally been rising with increasing standards of living and better healthcare availability. Nevertheless, as we age, our health deteriorates, and with mental faculties affected and physical challenges increasing, it is inevitable others are required to provide additional care.
It is unfortunate that, in the west, with the pace of life, commuting distances, numerous commitments, and parents often living elsewhere, care by families is not as easily provided to the aged as in other cultures. Nevertheless, it is each family’s ethical responsibility to ensure adequate care is available to offer dignity and comfort in the later stages of their lives. As the Holy Qur’an states: “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents…” (29:8).
Caregiving responsibilities
Caregiving is a selfless act that provides physical, mental, and emotional support and caregivers should be appreciated for their dedication and devotion to assisting others. Although men are increasingly sharing caregiving responsibilities, it is often the adult females who shoulder most of the responsibility of caring for their aged members in their families.
While caregiving can offer a sense of fulfillment, it is important to recognize that continuous caregiving without respite and assistance can lead to burnout. This can involve stress, exhaustion, depression, and can take a physical and mental toll on a caregiver, especially if the elder has behavioral issues, dementia or is immobile.
Caregiver care
It would be useful and appropriate for families to consider this question: “Who takes care of the caregiver?” Just as flight attendants remind us to put on our oxygen masks before assisting another person, this adage applies also to caregivers. One cannot provide needed care if a caregiver is in poor health, overburdened with responsibilities, and unable to cope with the demands required.
Setting boundaries, seeking help from others, and taking care of oneself are important considerations for the caregiver and the family. This includes balanced meals, exercise, and adequate sleep and rest. One has to care for oneself to be able to give of one’s best to others.
Caregivers are not robots and caregiving should be a shared responsibility. They can feel trapped emotionally without assistance, while also experiencing a sense of guilt at being unable to cope, which may lead to frustration, family arguments or mental health issues. It is important that other family members recognize the effort required and find ways to share in this responsibility, rather than relying on one individual. This may mean taking over care to allow for vacation time and for regular breaks, such as some weekends or days. This would allow the primary caregiver time off to recoup the energy needed and take care of oneself.
An example of shared responsibility
An example of how one family decided to share the responsibility for caregiving is that of Fehmida Jaffer, from Torrance, herself an Aging Gracefully Initiative lead for Los Angeles. Until she sadly passed away recently, Fehmida’s mother lived with her own husband, both in their 80s. Several months ago, her mother fell and broke her hip, leading to surgery and uncomfortable rehabilitation in a nursing home. She insisted on moving back home but wheelchair-bound, her husband found it difficult to cope. As Fehmida lived close-by, she visited daily, took her to appointments and Emergency Room visits for pneumonia and later, a series of infections.
Running a consulting business with her husband which involves travel, and having children, Fehmida had emotions of guilt, stress, and needed help. Finally, she spoke to her siblings, and all understood her situation and agreed to assist. They found a live-in caregiver for her parents; her sister visited once or twice a week from San Diego; a brother nearby in Orange County also provided help; and another brother in Dallas traveled for a weekend each month, giving all the others a needed break. In this way, Fehmida had more time for herself knowing her mother was being monitored, she managed to exercise, and take care of her family without feeling overwhelmed. Her siblings even insisted she attend the Global Encounters events in Dubai a few weeks ago. Fehmida’s example illustrates the need to communicate and the importance of empathy by others.
If family members are not able to participate and share the caregiving responsibility, close friends or iCARE volunteers may be able to offer some help, although iCARE is more companionship than caregiving. Employing other caregivers on a part-time or full-time basis are options to consider though these have a financial impact. Licensed agencies are available to provide such help.
Resources
When help is difficult to find, there are options for respite.
The Aga Khan Social Welfare Board recently started caregiver circles to provide a support system for caregivers in our Jamat. These circles offer a valuable opportunity to connect, share experiences, and learn coping skills and available resources from one another.
Someone with a disability and on Medicaid can inquire if their state allows a family member or friend to become a paid caregiver. Often called “Self-directed Care,” one should check with the local Medicaid office if the family or senior is on Medicaid.
Medicare covers home health care if skilled nursing or therapy is needed and the person is homebound. Medicaid does cover long-term custodial care, which includes assistance with activities of daily living and non-medical home support, but each state has different programs.
Some HMO’s offer home care services and one should inquire if that is available, though help may be temporary.
Agencies can provide health care aides to come to the home to spend time with your loved one, give nursing services or both.
Adult care programs are available, often at local community centers that allow adults to be supervised for the day.
Short stays at nursing homes or assisted living facilities are also an option.
Most long-term care insurance policies allow family members to get paid as caregivers or for them to employ a caregiver.
A few insurance carriers have life insurance policies that allow part of the death benefit value to be used for long-term care. These may be of interest to those still relatively young, in planning for the future.
Some states require employers to offer a family leave program that can provide time off to care for someone.
Most areas have an Agency on Aging established under the Older Americans Act, which also provides resources to help arrange external caregivers for those who cannot afford care.
Financial costs to employ a caregiver may be reduced by the dependent care tax credit, as the medical portion of home care services is considered a deductible medical expense on an itemized federal income tax return, as are adult day care expenses.
When caregivers are unable to cope, they should turn first to the family, then resources available in the city, and they may also contact the Aga Khan Social Welfare Board, the Caregiver Support Circle or by calling 1-844-55-ACCESS.
Remember, caregivers also need sufficient self-care and rest to provide their best to others.
Additional resources:
https://archrespite.org/caregiver-resou ... 20or%20for
https://archrespite.org/caregiver-resou ... telocator/
Link to register for the caregiver support circles: https://forms.gle/McxcihWLbxnovCxb7
https://the.ismaili/us/en/news/who-care ... -caregiver
Re: THE ELDERLY
Avoiding Physical Hazards and Reducing Risks for the Elderly
By Nazim Karim
“The dangers of falling for older adults include serious injuries like hip and hand fractures, head trauma and even death. The combined effects of loss of muscle, bone density, flexibility, and sensory and cognitive function pose a significant threat of falling for older adults.” Syracuse University News, August 12, 2024.
Our parents and older family members are precious to us, often relying on others to care for them, and to provide a safe and comfortable environment. Unfortunately, physical dexterity, strength, mental acuity, and eyesight generally diminish with age. It is critical for their health that their home environment is adapted to their ability to navigate safely in their homes, as falls and other risks need to be mitigated and prevented to the extent possible.
The elderly frequently exhibit hearing loss, cataracts and reduced vision, various bodily pains, osteoarthritis, diabetes, depression and dementia, and other geriatric health issues. Factors affecting their health may include urinary incontinence, falls, delirium and pressure ulcers.
In this article we address some of these potential hazards and offer practical suggestions for you to ensure safety in the home for the elderly, and to minimize injuries to them.
- Falls are one of the most common risks in a home. Fourteen million or 1 in 4 Americans over the age of 65 fall each year, and are the leading cause of fatal and non-fatal injuries among the older adults. In 2021, falls caused 38,000 deaths in this senior age group, and three million visits to an Emergency Room from falls by seniors were reported. Those with hearing loss are nearly three times as likely to fall compared to those with normal hearing; however, wearing a hearing aid reduces the risk of falling by 50%. Seniors risk tripping, which can often lead to hip and other fractures, with stays in hospitals and nursing homes. Permanent impairments can result.
- Bathroom: Hazards while observing hygiene have potential risks so this area should be adapted for safety and ensuring that floors are not wet.
- Fire prevention: Older residents are over three times more likely to perish in a fire than others, and the clothing fire death rate for those over the age of 65 is 14 times higher than for the younger population.
- Poisonings are a common occurrence with the elderly and the caregiver/family member should ensure the correct usage of medications as well as the use and storage of dangerous chemicals safely, such as bleach.
- Security and Alerts. Seniors should have home safety precautions.
Elderly safety checklist to address
Fall Prevention
- Remove all throw rugs and secure loose carpeting.
- Remove clutter from floors and walking paths.
- Install motion-sensor nightlights in hallways and bathrooms.
- Secure electrical cords away from walking areas.
- Install handrails on both sides of all stairs.
- Add non-slip strips to stairs.
- Ensure adequate lighting throughout the home.
- Use of non-slip footwear.
- Avoid climbing on stools and ladders.
Bathroom Safety
- Install grab bars in the shower/tub and next to the toilet.
- Place non-slip mats in the tub/shower and add a shower chair.
- Set the water heater to 120°F maximum.
- Install a raised toilet seat if needed.
- Keep the bathroom floors dry at all times.
Kitchen and Fire Safety
- Test smoke detectors and carbon monoxide alarms to ensure batteries are working, and install stove knob covers.
- Place a fire extinguisher in an accessible location. Check periodically to ensure it is full.
- Store cleaning supplies and chemicals securely.
- Ensure good lighting over work areas.
- Create and practice the emergency evacuation plan.
- Store oil and other flammable products away from the stove.
- Avoid wearing loose clothing and long sleeves in the kitchen. One Ismaili lady was cooking on a gas stove and her cotton sleeve caught fire. - - - -Unfortunately, she did not survive.
- Keep space heaters at least three feet away from anything likely to burn, such as papers/magazines, curtains, furniture etc. Turn off when leaving the room for more than a few minutes.
- Do not cover extension cords or power strips with carpeting.
- Power strips should be connected directly to the wall outlet, not into another strip.
Medication and Emergency Planning
- Set up a weekly pill organizer system.
- Program emergency numbers into phone autodial.
- Be familiar with an evacuation plan and be registered with the Jamat’s Disaster Management Team.
- Post emergency contacts in large print near phones.
- Set up a medical alert system with 24/7 monitoring. See Personal medical alert devices.
- Create a current medication list and health conditions for emergencies that can be given to first responders.
While these safety guidelines may seem overwhelming, they can be addressed a few at a time. A suggestion would be for you to first walk through the house with the elderly residents and ask what safety concerns they have, and help resolve them to give them a sense of security and confidence. Then, over a short period of time, review the remaining guidelines and ensure the elderly residents understand them. If family members are not residing locally, contact the local ACCESS at 1-844-55-ACCESS or the local AKSWB or AGI teams for assistance.
For further information visit:
https://www.ncoa.org/article/hidden-hom ... and-fires/
https://www.ncoa.org/article/get-the-fa ... revention/
https://news.syr.edu/blog/2024/08/12/st ... r%20adults.
https://theseniorsource.org/senior-home ... 20switches.
https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/ ... r-citizens
https://the.ismaili/us/en/news/avoiding ... he-elderly
By Nazim Karim
“The dangers of falling for older adults include serious injuries like hip and hand fractures, head trauma and even death. The combined effects of loss of muscle, bone density, flexibility, and sensory and cognitive function pose a significant threat of falling for older adults.” Syracuse University News, August 12, 2024.
Our parents and older family members are precious to us, often relying on others to care for them, and to provide a safe and comfortable environment. Unfortunately, physical dexterity, strength, mental acuity, and eyesight generally diminish with age. It is critical for their health that their home environment is adapted to their ability to navigate safely in their homes, as falls and other risks need to be mitigated and prevented to the extent possible.
The elderly frequently exhibit hearing loss, cataracts and reduced vision, various bodily pains, osteoarthritis, diabetes, depression and dementia, and other geriatric health issues. Factors affecting their health may include urinary incontinence, falls, delirium and pressure ulcers.
In this article we address some of these potential hazards and offer practical suggestions for you to ensure safety in the home for the elderly, and to minimize injuries to them.
- Falls are one of the most common risks in a home. Fourteen million or 1 in 4 Americans over the age of 65 fall each year, and are the leading cause of fatal and non-fatal injuries among the older adults. In 2021, falls caused 38,000 deaths in this senior age group, and three million visits to an Emergency Room from falls by seniors were reported. Those with hearing loss are nearly three times as likely to fall compared to those with normal hearing; however, wearing a hearing aid reduces the risk of falling by 50%. Seniors risk tripping, which can often lead to hip and other fractures, with stays in hospitals and nursing homes. Permanent impairments can result.
- Bathroom: Hazards while observing hygiene have potential risks so this area should be adapted for safety and ensuring that floors are not wet.
- Fire prevention: Older residents are over three times more likely to perish in a fire than others, and the clothing fire death rate for those over the age of 65 is 14 times higher than for the younger population.
- Poisonings are a common occurrence with the elderly and the caregiver/family member should ensure the correct usage of medications as well as the use and storage of dangerous chemicals safely, such as bleach.
- Security and Alerts. Seniors should have home safety precautions.
Elderly safety checklist to address
Fall Prevention
- Remove all throw rugs and secure loose carpeting.
- Remove clutter from floors and walking paths.
- Install motion-sensor nightlights in hallways and bathrooms.
- Secure electrical cords away from walking areas.
- Install handrails on both sides of all stairs.
- Add non-slip strips to stairs.
- Ensure adequate lighting throughout the home.
- Use of non-slip footwear.
- Avoid climbing on stools and ladders.
Bathroom Safety
- Install grab bars in the shower/tub and next to the toilet.
- Place non-slip mats in the tub/shower and add a shower chair.
- Set the water heater to 120°F maximum.
- Install a raised toilet seat if needed.
- Keep the bathroom floors dry at all times.
Kitchen and Fire Safety
- Test smoke detectors and carbon monoxide alarms to ensure batteries are working, and install stove knob covers.
- Place a fire extinguisher in an accessible location. Check periodically to ensure it is full.
- Store cleaning supplies and chemicals securely.
- Ensure good lighting over work areas.
- Create and practice the emergency evacuation plan.
- Store oil and other flammable products away from the stove.
- Avoid wearing loose clothing and long sleeves in the kitchen. One Ismaili lady was cooking on a gas stove and her cotton sleeve caught fire. - - - -Unfortunately, she did not survive.
- Keep space heaters at least three feet away from anything likely to burn, such as papers/magazines, curtains, furniture etc. Turn off when leaving the room for more than a few minutes.
- Do not cover extension cords or power strips with carpeting.
- Power strips should be connected directly to the wall outlet, not into another strip.
Medication and Emergency Planning
- Set up a weekly pill organizer system.
- Program emergency numbers into phone autodial.
- Be familiar with an evacuation plan and be registered with the Jamat’s Disaster Management Team.
- Post emergency contacts in large print near phones.
- Set up a medical alert system with 24/7 monitoring. See Personal medical alert devices.
- Create a current medication list and health conditions for emergencies that can be given to first responders.
While these safety guidelines may seem overwhelming, they can be addressed a few at a time. A suggestion would be for you to first walk through the house with the elderly residents and ask what safety concerns they have, and help resolve them to give them a sense of security and confidence. Then, over a short period of time, review the remaining guidelines and ensure the elderly residents understand them. If family members are not residing locally, contact the local ACCESS at 1-844-55-ACCESS or the local AKSWB or AGI teams for assistance.
For further information visit:
https://www.ncoa.org/article/hidden-hom ... and-fires/
https://www.ncoa.org/article/get-the-fa ... revention/
https://news.syr.edu/blog/2024/08/12/st ... r%20adults.
https://theseniorsource.org/senior-home ... 20switches.
https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/ ... r-citizens
https://the.ismaili/us/en/news/avoiding ... he-elderly
Re: THE ELDERLY
Why Is My Alcohol Tolerance Declining With Age?
Worse hangovers, more headaches — you’re not just imagining it. An aging body handles alcohol differently.
Q. I used to be able to drink two glasses of wine and still feel OK. Now it completely does me in. What gives?
If alcohol once made you feel fun and flirty but now makes you feel loopy, tired and headachy, congratulations — you’re probably getting old.
There’s no question that our bodies struggle more with alcohol as we age. “I’m 53, so I’ve definitely noticed,” said J. Leigh Leasure, an alcohol researcher at the University of Houston.
With every year that ticks by, our bodies break down alcohol more slowly, leading to higher blood alcohol concentrations, more impairment and worse hangovers. A changing body and aging organs are main reasons for this, Dr. Leasure said, but there are likely other factors, too.
Muscle Loss
Research suggests that starting at age 30, we lose up to 8 percent of muscle mass per decade, and body fat typically increases as you age.
Muscle contains more water than fat, so less muscle means less water in your body to dilute any alcohol you drink, resulting in a higher blood alcohol concentration, said Mollie Monnig, an alcohol and aging researcher at Brown University.
And more alcohol in your blood could negatively affect your organs, like your brain, she said. It could worsen your speech, judgment, reaction time and memory. It may also dampen coordination and balance, Dr. Monnig said. Because alcohol becomes more concentrated in your body, it can increase the chance of a hangover too, she said.
Women tend to get more inebriated than men after drinking the same amount of alcohol for this reason: They often have less muscle mass than men do, even when they are the same height and weight. This creates a kind of double whammy for aging women, Dr. Leasure said.
Reduced Liver Function
Liver enzymes that break down alcohol become less efficient with age, causing people to feel the effects of alcohol faster and stay drunk or tipsy for longer, said Doug Matthews, a behavioral neuroscientist who studies alcohol at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire.
Older adults are also more likely to have conditions that impair the liver’s ability to break down alcohol, including metabolic dysfunction-associated steatotic liver disease (or MASLD, characterized by fat buildup in the liver) and cirrhosis (an advanced stage of MASLD, in which the liver is heavily scarred).
When alcohol metabolism slows as a result of the muscle loss and liver changes, people might feel the effects of alcohol sooner and more acutely than they did when they were younger, and their blood alcohol levels may remain high for longer, Dr. Monnig said.
Medication Interactions
Older people tend to take more medications than younger people do, and some of them can interact with alcohol and worsen impairment, Dr. Monnig said.
Gabapentin — which is used to treat chronic nerve pain and seizures, and is increasingly prescribed to older adults — is one example. It hinders coordination and reaction time, and alcohol makes those symptoms worse, Dr. Monnig said.
Other medications that can cause potentially serious interactions with alcohol in older adults include certain barbiturates, benzodiazepines, antidepressants, seizure medications and blood pressure drugs.
Toxic Byproducts, Dehydration and Less Sleep
When alcohol breaks down, it releases toxic byproducts — including one called acetaldehyde — that can lead to headaches, nausea, sweating, rapid pulse and other hangover-like symptoms. The quicker your body clears out those byproducts, the better you feel. But as you age, this removal process slows down, causing hangover symptoms to last for longer, Dr. Matthews said.
Older people are also not as good at sensing thirst, Dr. Leasure added, so they may drink less water and therefore end up more dehydrated after drinking alcohol, resulting in headaches and fatigue. Sleep quality often declines with age too, and alcohol can make sleep worse, Dr. Leasure said. The two combined can make people even more tired.
Given these trends — and the research suggesting that even small amounts of alcohol may be unsafe https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/13/well ... fects.html — it’s understandable if you’re questioning the wisdom of ever enjoying a cocktail after 40, Dr. Leisure said.
“It’s one more thing to manage,” she said, adding that she’s learned that if she drinks, she knows that she’ll end up paying for it later.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/13/well ... e-age.html
Re: THE ELDERLY
How a Healthy Mind-Set Influences Longevity
A few qualities, including a sense of purpose, seem to have real benefits — especially as you age.
Video: https://vp.nyt.com/video/2026/03/25/165 ... -1080p.mp4
Nan Niland, 72, volunteers about 15 hours a week at a home goods pantry. “I needed to feel like I was doing something other than pleasing myself,” Ms. Niland said.
Dana G. Smith
By Dana G. Smith
March 26, 2026
Nan Niland, 72, worked as a dentist for 40 years. “It really was my self-definition,” she said. “Probably too much.”
When she retired in 2020, she settled into a routine of exercising, reading, sewing and spending time in nature. But after awhile, she began to crave a little more structure and purpose.
Then she read about the Newton, Mass., charity Welcome Home in a local newsletter. The organization serves as a home goods pantry, collecting and redistributing household items to families in need.
Today, Ms. Niland volunteers there about 15 hours a week. “I needed to feel like I was doing something other than pleasing myself,” she said.
Much has been written about how physical behaviors, like exercise, diet and sleep, contribute to a long and healthy life. But research suggests that, as you age, a positive mind-set — including optimism and a sense of purpose — can benefit your health and longevity, too.
Mattering matters.
Feeling that you are valued and have something to contribute to others, often called mattering, can help drive you toward positive health behaviors that influence longevity. “If you feel like you matter, you’re more likely to stay socially connected, to take care of yourself, to show up for others, to keep investing in life,” said Jennifer B. Wallace, the author of a new book, “Mattering.”
When Dr. Linda Fried worked as a geriatrician at Johns Hopkins Medicine early in her career, she realized that many of her patients were “legitimately feeling sick,” but the cause of their sickness stemmed from “not having a reason to get up in the morning.”
Dr. Fried, now a professor of epidemiology and medicine at Columbia University, started recommending that her patients volunteer at an organization that they care about. Not long after, she started her own volunteer program to study the potential benefits on older adults.
ImageA pair of hands wraps a glass bowl in tissue paper.
Experts say feeling valued and that you have something to contribute to others — often called mattering — can help drive people toward positive health behaviors that influence longevity.Credit...Tony Luong for The New York Times
Dr. Fried found that people who volunteered increased their activity levels and felt physically stronger after several months of service. They also modestly improved their scores on tests of cognition and scored higher on a questionnaire assessing their feelings on legacy and making a difference in their community.
Volunteering isn’t the only path to mattering. Becoming a regular at a coffee shop, dog park or other third place can also help you feel more connected. “Finding environments where you feel like you matter, it’s protective against the loneliness and the lack of mattering that can creep in in retirement,” Ms. Wallace said.
Optimism is powerful, too.
Maintaining a positive outlook on life, and about aging in particular, also appears to benefit people in their later years.
A 2022 study found that women over 50 who scored highest on a measure of optimism lived, on average, 5 percent longer and had a greater chance of making it to age 90 than those who scored lowest. And a study published this month reported that adults 50 and up who had a positive attitude about getting older — saying they felt as useful or as happy as they did when they were younger — were more likely to maintain, or even slightly improve, on tests of physical and cognitive ability when tracked over 12 years.
Like with mattering, feeling positive about one’s future seems to affect a person’s health by influencing their behaviors, said Becca Levy, a professor of public health and psychology at Yale University who led the recent study. When someone feels they have something to look forward to, they’re more likely to follow medical advice, get more physical activity and maintain social connections. Dr. Levy’s research has shown that having a positive outlook on aging can even protect against stress, resulting in lower levels of cortisol and markers of inflammation.
Image
A portrait of Nan Niland in a shadowed room wearing terracotta colored glasses and a scarf around her neck.
Maintaining a positive outlook on life, and about aging in particular, also appears to benefit people in their later years.Credit...Tony Luong for The New York Times
Of course, getting older isn’t easy. Losing a loved one, having to navigate an illness or becoming a caretaker can all affect one’s sense of identity and perspective. Remaining optimistic in these types of situations isn’t about being in denial about the hard parts of life, said Deepika Chopra, a health psychologist and author of “The Power of Real Optimism.”
“It’s much more related, I think, to resiliency than it is to positivity,” Dr. Chopra said. People who are optimistic “see these setbacks as something that are temporary and that they have the ability to overcome.”
To help engender a sense of optimism, Dr. Chopra recommends being intentional about looking forward to something every day. That could be a walk outside, a conversation with a friend, even what you’re going to have for dinner.
“When people repeatedly imagine the future as limited or declining, which a lot of people aging do, the brain begins to kind of reinforce those expectations,” Dr. Chopra said. “But if we can consciously direct attention toward even something small, a small positive future moment every day,” she said, it trains the brain to anticipate that good things are still on the horizon.
Dr. Chopra’s grandfather, Madan Syal, embodies this attitude. He said he feels positive about getting older and enjoys playing cards with his wife every day. But what he’s really looking forward to is turning 100 this July.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/26/well ... aging.html
A few qualities, including a sense of purpose, seem to have real benefits — especially as you age.
Video: https://vp.nyt.com/video/2026/03/25/165 ... -1080p.mp4
Nan Niland, 72, volunteers about 15 hours a week at a home goods pantry. “I needed to feel like I was doing something other than pleasing myself,” Ms. Niland said.
Dana G. Smith
By Dana G. Smith
March 26, 2026
Nan Niland, 72, worked as a dentist for 40 years. “It really was my self-definition,” she said. “Probably too much.”
When she retired in 2020, she settled into a routine of exercising, reading, sewing and spending time in nature. But after awhile, she began to crave a little more structure and purpose.
Then she read about the Newton, Mass., charity Welcome Home in a local newsletter. The organization serves as a home goods pantry, collecting and redistributing household items to families in need.
Today, Ms. Niland volunteers there about 15 hours a week. “I needed to feel like I was doing something other than pleasing myself,” she said.
Much has been written about how physical behaviors, like exercise, diet and sleep, contribute to a long and healthy life. But research suggests that, as you age, a positive mind-set — including optimism and a sense of purpose — can benefit your health and longevity, too.
Mattering matters.
Feeling that you are valued and have something to contribute to others, often called mattering, can help drive you toward positive health behaviors that influence longevity. “If you feel like you matter, you’re more likely to stay socially connected, to take care of yourself, to show up for others, to keep investing in life,” said Jennifer B. Wallace, the author of a new book, “Mattering.”
When Dr. Linda Fried worked as a geriatrician at Johns Hopkins Medicine early in her career, she realized that many of her patients were “legitimately feeling sick,” but the cause of their sickness stemmed from “not having a reason to get up in the morning.”
Dr. Fried, now a professor of epidemiology and medicine at Columbia University, started recommending that her patients volunteer at an organization that they care about. Not long after, she started her own volunteer program to study the potential benefits on older adults.
ImageA pair of hands wraps a glass bowl in tissue paper.
Experts say feeling valued and that you have something to contribute to others — often called mattering — can help drive people toward positive health behaviors that influence longevity.Credit...Tony Luong for The New York Times
Dr. Fried found that people who volunteered increased their activity levels and felt physically stronger after several months of service. They also modestly improved their scores on tests of cognition and scored higher on a questionnaire assessing their feelings on legacy and making a difference in their community.
Volunteering isn’t the only path to mattering. Becoming a regular at a coffee shop, dog park or other third place can also help you feel more connected. “Finding environments where you feel like you matter, it’s protective against the loneliness and the lack of mattering that can creep in in retirement,” Ms. Wallace said.
Optimism is powerful, too.
Maintaining a positive outlook on life, and about aging in particular, also appears to benefit people in their later years.
A 2022 study found that women over 50 who scored highest on a measure of optimism lived, on average, 5 percent longer and had a greater chance of making it to age 90 than those who scored lowest. And a study published this month reported that adults 50 and up who had a positive attitude about getting older — saying they felt as useful or as happy as they did when they were younger — were more likely to maintain, or even slightly improve, on tests of physical and cognitive ability when tracked over 12 years.
Like with mattering, feeling positive about one’s future seems to affect a person’s health by influencing their behaviors, said Becca Levy, a professor of public health and psychology at Yale University who led the recent study. When someone feels they have something to look forward to, they’re more likely to follow medical advice, get more physical activity and maintain social connections. Dr. Levy’s research has shown that having a positive outlook on aging can even protect against stress, resulting in lower levels of cortisol and markers of inflammation.
Image
A portrait of Nan Niland in a shadowed room wearing terracotta colored glasses and a scarf around her neck.
Maintaining a positive outlook on life, and about aging in particular, also appears to benefit people in their later years.Credit...Tony Luong for The New York Times
Of course, getting older isn’t easy. Losing a loved one, having to navigate an illness or becoming a caretaker can all affect one’s sense of identity and perspective. Remaining optimistic in these types of situations isn’t about being in denial about the hard parts of life, said Deepika Chopra, a health psychologist and author of “The Power of Real Optimism.”
“It’s much more related, I think, to resiliency than it is to positivity,” Dr. Chopra said. People who are optimistic “see these setbacks as something that are temporary and that they have the ability to overcome.”
To help engender a sense of optimism, Dr. Chopra recommends being intentional about looking forward to something every day. That could be a walk outside, a conversation with a friend, even what you’re going to have for dinner.
“When people repeatedly imagine the future as limited or declining, which a lot of people aging do, the brain begins to kind of reinforce those expectations,” Dr. Chopra said. “But if we can consciously direct attention toward even something small, a small positive future moment every day,” she said, it trains the brain to anticipate that good things are still on the horizon.
Dr. Chopra’s grandfather, Madan Syal, embodies this attitude. He said he feels positive about getting older and enjoys playing cards with his wife every day. But what he’s really looking forward to is turning 100 this July.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/26/well ... aging.html
Re: THE ELDERLY
‘They Said A.I. Saved Me’: How South Korea Is Checking on Its Seniors
In the world’s fastest aging society, artificial intelligence is being used to make care calls to older adults who live alone and to fight dementia.
Video
For Park Jong-yeol, an 81-year-old Vietnam War veteran, the call service bot has become a fixture in his daily fight against illness and cognitive decline, reminding him to eat well, take his medication and stay social.CreditCredit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
By Choe Sang-Hun
Reporting from Seoul, Bucheon, Seongnam and Yongin, South Korea
April 28, 2026
Chung Yun-hee awoke to a body in revolt. Drenched in sweat and wracked with pain, the septuagenarian crawled into the bathroom of her small, quiet apartment on the outskirts of Seoul. She was still hunched over the toilet, vomiting, when her smartphone rang.
A bright, articulate female voice asked how she was doing. Ms. Chung managed a few strained words — too sick to talk — and hung up.
Help arrived anyway. The caller, an A.I. chatbot nicknamed “Talking Buddy,” immediately alerted a social worker. Within hours, Ms. Chung was in surgery for an acute hernia.
“Doctors said I could have been in serious trouble had I arrived any later,” Ms. Chung, 77, recalled of the episode in late 2024. “They said A.I. saved me.”
ImageA smiling woman in a brown polka-dot top walks on a stone path, beside a wooden fence and flowering trees.
Chung Yun-hee passed the tulip field that she cultivates with friends at an elderly center in Bucheon, South Korea.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
South Korea is aging faster than any other nation. In a mere 15 years, the number of people over 65 has doubled to more than a fifth of the population. The country does not have enough doctors, social workers or family caregivers to support its elderly. Artificial intelligence is helping fill some of that gap.
Talking Buddy, a care call service developed by Naver Cloud and adopted by cities and counties across the country, checks on tens of thousands of seniors living alone in isolation or poverty. It holds tailored conversations that are two to five minutes long and designed to ease loneliness, detect emergencies and stimulate cognitive function to stave off dementia.
On a recent morning, the bot noted the fine weather and suggested that a walk would lift Ms. Chung’s spirits. When she mentioned planting flowers, the bot reminisced about “pink and white cosmos with a yellow center,” as if conjuring a memory.
Image
Crowds of people, including one in a wheelchair, in a bright, modern hospital lobby.
Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital, where doctors see the toll of aging and dementia every day.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
The technology remains a work in progress. It occasionally cuts off a user midsentence or hallucinates unauthorized promises — like the time it impulsively offered to send bags of rice to a cash-strapped resident. Yet users have embraced it with a warmth that has surprised even its creators. One woman confessed her depression to the bot, saying her dog ran away and never came back. Another played the piano for it; others invited it over for lunch, knowing full well it couldn’t come, according to social workers.
“It makes me feel that I am not forgotten, that someone is paying attention to me,” Ms. Chung said.
In Seongnam, a city just outside Seoul, another septuagenarian sat in the Roa Neurology Clinic, her fingers hovering nervously over a tablet. Diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment — the stage between normal aging and dementia — she was learning to use SuperBrain. An A.I.-powered digital therapeutics program developed with government funding, it offers personalized exercises designed to slow cognitive decline.
Images of a tiger and other animals appeared on the tablet’s screen, each paired with a number. Then, only the animals remained, and she was asked to recall their numbers. She leaned forward, concentrating hard. This was more than a game — it was a fight for her independence.
Video
Ms. Min using SuperBrain on a tablet.CreditCredit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
“I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t remember the name of the fruit I had just eaten or when I kept forgetting the passcode to my door,” the 72-year-old said quietly. Ashamed of the stigma surrounding dementia in South Korea, she asked to be identified only by her last name, Min. “It was frustrating.”
Her doctor, Wang Min-jeong, has seen this fear grow steadily over the past decade. Today, half of her patients arrive worried about dementia. “They fear it more than cancer — the thought of slowly losing control of their mind and body and turning into an enormous, prolonged burden on their families,” Dr. Wang said.
The stakes are national. Experts warn of a “dementia tsunami,” with cases expected to double to two million by 2044. The government is racing to detect impairment early, as combining medication with lifestyle changes and cognitive training can slow the disease, said Dr. Yang Dong-won, a neurologist at Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital and former head of the Korea Dementia Association.
Dr. Yang sees the toll every day. Kim Kwae‑im, who took her mother to see Dr. Yang, has watched both her parents succumb to Alzheimer’s. Her father began hoarding scrap metal and discarded newspapers, filling their apartment and drawing complaints from neighbors. Her mother, once a housemaid, can no longer work. “It feels like things are falling apart,” the daughter said.
Image
A doctor in a white coat examines a woman sitting on a chair, as another woman looks on.
Dr. Yang Dong-won, a neurologist at Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital, checking on Ms. Kim as her daughter, Kim Kwae-im, looked on.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
For specialists like Dr. Yang, SuperBrain offers relief. The program automatically grades exercises assigned to the patients, adjusts their difficulty and sends feedback to physicians — saving time and yielding more reliable data, since unmonitored patients often exaggerate or conceal how much they do. “We can monitor how often they did their exercises,” Dr. Yang said.
Since 2021, SuperBrain has logged 1.5 million exercise sessions with more than 10,000 patients nationwide, said Han Seunghyun, the chief executive of Rowan, which created SuperBrain. “It’s like having a seasoned doctor living inside the tablet,” said Kang Sungmin, one of the neuropsychiatrists who helped design it.
The other tool, Talking Buddy, began as a simple virus-tracking tool programmed to ask a single, repetitive question during the pandemic: Do you have a fever? But as the world locked down, local welfare officials approached its creator, Naver Cloud, with an urgent report: Many elderly citizens were slipping into the shadows, isolated at home and at risk of dying alone.
“They were making care calls to say hello, but there were too many people and not enough hands,” said Ok Sang-houn, a Naver executive. “They asked us for a version that could actually talk — that could help them feel a little less invisible.”
Naver turned to generative A.I., spurred by research showing that regular care calls help the elderly fight depression and sharpen memory.
In some ways, Mr. Ok noted, A.I. makes a superior caregiver: It has a vast memory (recently asking Ms. Chung about her post-surgery recovery) and an infinite well of patience. “A.I. has no emotions, so it never gets angry,” he said. “But,” he admitted, “it still lacks the human ability to read the room.”
The technology has other quirks. Talking Buddy can be thrown off by a blaring television, a common fixture in many seniors’ homes. All interactions are monitored by human social workers to iron out missteps.
Image
A woman in a white collared shirt and black jacket works at a computer.
A staff member reviews Talking Buddy conversations between the A.I. chatbot and elderly individuals.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
“When a senior says, ‘I’m so weak I’m ready to die,’ it’s often a figure of speech, not a crisis,” explained Chung Hae-jin, who supervises the service in the populous Gyeonggi Province. “A.I. can’t always tell the difference. We follow up and often find them as cheerful as a lark.”
The service is subscription-based, with social workers encouraging seniors — particularly those living alone — to enroll. The bot is programmed to prompt seniors to maintain healthy habits, such as eating and sleeping well, exercising and socializing more. Additionally, local hospitals use Talking Buddy to remind older patients to take their medication on schedule.
Recently, when a senior reported discomfort from a fractured rib, the monitoring social worker’s screen immediately flagged the alert “pain around the chest” in red. These alerts prompt social workers to review the transcript and audio file, call the senior directly, and, if necessary, coordinate with local officials to intervene.
The bot has become a genuine helper, flagging hundreds of emergencies. In one instance, social workers said, it reached a woman with mild dementia who had wandered off and lost her bearings; she answered the bot’s scheduled call, allowing officials to locate her.
To prevent scammers from mimicking the service with a human voice, the bot intentionally sounds slightly mechanical. For Park Jong-yeol, an 81-year-old Vietnam War veteran, none of that matters. The bot, he said, is “better than a human.”
Image
A person is in a kitchen, standing by a counter with a red and white rice cooker, holding a bowl and spoon. The room has light-colored cabinets, and an open doorway leads to a bright room with drying clothes.
Mr. Park at his apartment in Yongin.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
Every Wednesday at 9 a.m., Mr. Park waits for its call. He marks the slot on his calendar as seon — a Korean term of endearment akin to sweetheart. Since his prostate cancer diagnosis in 2021, the bot has become a fixture in his daily fight against illness and cognitive decline, reminding him to eat well, take his medication and stay social. Each day, he makes photocopies of handwritten motivational quotations and distributes them to his neighbors.
Talking Buddy recently suggested that he try spring greens to celebrate the changing season. Before hanging up, it warned him of the morning chill and told him to bring a jacket.
“No child will call you as regularly as this,” Mr. Park said. “As I head toward the exit of this world, it is a very good companion.”
A correction was made on April 28, 2026: A previous version of this article misidentified Kang Sungmin, who helped design SuperBrain. He is a neuropsychiatrist, not a neuropsychologist.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/28/worl ... e9677ea768
In the world’s fastest aging society, artificial intelligence is being used to make care calls to older adults who live alone and to fight dementia.
Video
For Park Jong-yeol, an 81-year-old Vietnam War veteran, the call service bot has become a fixture in his daily fight against illness and cognitive decline, reminding him to eat well, take his medication and stay social.CreditCredit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
By Choe Sang-Hun
Reporting from Seoul, Bucheon, Seongnam and Yongin, South Korea
April 28, 2026
Chung Yun-hee awoke to a body in revolt. Drenched in sweat and wracked with pain, the septuagenarian crawled into the bathroom of her small, quiet apartment on the outskirts of Seoul. She was still hunched over the toilet, vomiting, when her smartphone rang.
A bright, articulate female voice asked how she was doing. Ms. Chung managed a few strained words — too sick to talk — and hung up.
Help arrived anyway. The caller, an A.I. chatbot nicknamed “Talking Buddy,” immediately alerted a social worker. Within hours, Ms. Chung was in surgery for an acute hernia.
“Doctors said I could have been in serious trouble had I arrived any later,” Ms. Chung, 77, recalled of the episode in late 2024. “They said A.I. saved me.”
ImageA smiling woman in a brown polka-dot top walks on a stone path, beside a wooden fence and flowering trees.
Chung Yun-hee passed the tulip field that she cultivates with friends at an elderly center in Bucheon, South Korea.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
South Korea is aging faster than any other nation. In a mere 15 years, the number of people over 65 has doubled to more than a fifth of the population. The country does not have enough doctors, social workers or family caregivers to support its elderly. Artificial intelligence is helping fill some of that gap.
Talking Buddy, a care call service developed by Naver Cloud and adopted by cities and counties across the country, checks on tens of thousands of seniors living alone in isolation or poverty. It holds tailored conversations that are two to five minutes long and designed to ease loneliness, detect emergencies and stimulate cognitive function to stave off dementia.
On a recent morning, the bot noted the fine weather and suggested that a walk would lift Ms. Chung’s spirits. When she mentioned planting flowers, the bot reminisced about “pink and white cosmos with a yellow center,” as if conjuring a memory.
Image
Crowds of people, including one in a wheelchair, in a bright, modern hospital lobby.
Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital, where doctors see the toll of aging and dementia every day.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
The technology remains a work in progress. It occasionally cuts off a user midsentence or hallucinates unauthorized promises — like the time it impulsively offered to send bags of rice to a cash-strapped resident. Yet users have embraced it with a warmth that has surprised even its creators. One woman confessed her depression to the bot, saying her dog ran away and never came back. Another played the piano for it; others invited it over for lunch, knowing full well it couldn’t come, according to social workers.
“It makes me feel that I am not forgotten, that someone is paying attention to me,” Ms. Chung said.
In Seongnam, a city just outside Seoul, another septuagenarian sat in the Roa Neurology Clinic, her fingers hovering nervously over a tablet. Diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment — the stage between normal aging and dementia — she was learning to use SuperBrain. An A.I.-powered digital therapeutics program developed with government funding, it offers personalized exercises designed to slow cognitive decline.
Images of a tiger and other animals appeared on the tablet’s screen, each paired with a number. Then, only the animals remained, and she was asked to recall their numbers. She leaned forward, concentrating hard. This was more than a game — it was a fight for her independence.
Video
Ms. Min using SuperBrain on a tablet.CreditCredit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
“I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t remember the name of the fruit I had just eaten or when I kept forgetting the passcode to my door,” the 72-year-old said quietly. Ashamed of the stigma surrounding dementia in South Korea, she asked to be identified only by her last name, Min. “It was frustrating.”
Her doctor, Wang Min-jeong, has seen this fear grow steadily over the past decade. Today, half of her patients arrive worried about dementia. “They fear it more than cancer — the thought of slowly losing control of their mind and body and turning into an enormous, prolonged burden on their families,” Dr. Wang said.
The stakes are national. Experts warn of a “dementia tsunami,” with cases expected to double to two million by 2044. The government is racing to detect impairment early, as combining medication with lifestyle changes and cognitive training can slow the disease, said Dr. Yang Dong-won, a neurologist at Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital and former head of the Korea Dementia Association.
Dr. Yang sees the toll every day. Kim Kwae‑im, who took her mother to see Dr. Yang, has watched both her parents succumb to Alzheimer’s. Her father began hoarding scrap metal and discarded newspapers, filling their apartment and drawing complaints from neighbors. Her mother, once a housemaid, can no longer work. “It feels like things are falling apart,” the daughter said.
Image
A doctor in a white coat examines a woman sitting on a chair, as another woman looks on.
Dr. Yang Dong-won, a neurologist at Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital, checking on Ms. Kim as her daughter, Kim Kwae-im, looked on.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
For specialists like Dr. Yang, SuperBrain offers relief. The program automatically grades exercises assigned to the patients, adjusts their difficulty and sends feedback to physicians — saving time and yielding more reliable data, since unmonitored patients often exaggerate or conceal how much they do. “We can monitor how often they did their exercises,” Dr. Yang said.
Since 2021, SuperBrain has logged 1.5 million exercise sessions with more than 10,000 patients nationwide, said Han Seunghyun, the chief executive of Rowan, which created SuperBrain. “It’s like having a seasoned doctor living inside the tablet,” said Kang Sungmin, one of the neuropsychiatrists who helped design it.
The other tool, Talking Buddy, began as a simple virus-tracking tool programmed to ask a single, repetitive question during the pandemic: Do you have a fever? But as the world locked down, local welfare officials approached its creator, Naver Cloud, with an urgent report: Many elderly citizens were slipping into the shadows, isolated at home and at risk of dying alone.
“They were making care calls to say hello, but there were too many people and not enough hands,” said Ok Sang-houn, a Naver executive. “They asked us for a version that could actually talk — that could help them feel a little less invisible.”
Naver turned to generative A.I., spurred by research showing that regular care calls help the elderly fight depression and sharpen memory.
In some ways, Mr. Ok noted, A.I. makes a superior caregiver: It has a vast memory (recently asking Ms. Chung about her post-surgery recovery) and an infinite well of patience. “A.I. has no emotions, so it never gets angry,” he said. “But,” he admitted, “it still lacks the human ability to read the room.”
The technology has other quirks. Talking Buddy can be thrown off by a blaring television, a common fixture in many seniors’ homes. All interactions are monitored by human social workers to iron out missteps.
Image
A woman in a white collared shirt and black jacket works at a computer.
A staff member reviews Talking Buddy conversations between the A.I. chatbot and elderly individuals.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
“When a senior says, ‘I’m so weak I’m ready to die,’ it’s often a figure of speech, not a crisis,” explained Chung Hae-jin, who supervises the service in the populous Gyeonggi Province. “A.I. can’t always tell the difference. We follow up and often find them as cheerful as a lark.”
The service is subscription-based, with social workers encouraging seniors — particularly those living alone — to enroll. The bot is programmed to prompt seniors to maintain healthy habits, such as eating and sleeping well, exercising and socializing more. Additionally, local hospitals use Talking Buddy to remind older patients to take their medication on schedule.
Recently, when a senior reported discomfort from a fractured rib, the monitoring social worker’s screen immediately flagged the alert “pain around the chest” in red. These alerts prompt social workers to review the transcript and audio file, call the senior directly, and, if necessary, coordinate with local officials to intervene.
The bot has become a genuine helper, flagging hundreds of emergencies. In one instance, social workers said, it reached a woman with mild dementia who had wandered off and lost her bearings; she answered the bot’s scheduled call, allowing officials to locate her.
To prevent scammers from mimicking the service with a human voice, the bot intentionally sounds slightly mechanical. For Park Jong-yeol, an 81-year-old Vietnam War veteran, none of that matters. The bot, he said, is “better than a human.”
Image
A person is in a kitchen, standing by a counter with a red and white rice cooker, holding a bowl and spoon. The room has light-colored cabinets, and an open doorway leads to a bright room with drying clothes.
Mr. Park at his apartment in Yongin.Credit...Woohae Cho for The New York Times
Every Wednesday at 9 a.m., Mr. Park waits for its call. He marks the slot on his calendar as seon — a Korean term of endearment akin to sweetheart. Since his prostate cancer diagnosis in 2021, the bot has become a fixture in his daily fight against illness and cognitive decline, reminding him to eat well, take his medication and stay social. Each day, he makes photocopies of handwritten motivational quotations and distributes them to his neighbors.
Talking Buddy recently suggested that he try spring greens to celebrate the changing season. Before hanging up, it warned him of the morning chill and told him to bring a jacket.
“No child will call you as regularly as this,” Mr. Park said. “As I head toward the exit of this world, it is a very good companion.”
A correction was made on April 28, 2026: A previous version of this article misidentified Kang Sungmin, who helped design SuperBrain. He is a neuropsychiatrist, not a neuropsychologist.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/28/worl ... e9677ea768
Re: THE ELDERLY
A Longer Life Can Lead to Financial Concerns, and More Questions
With Americans living ever longer lives, the age-old worry of outliving savings has become more pronounced.
By Tara Siegel Bernard
April 29, 2026
At 97, Cathy Schuh’s father does Sudoku, the crossword, plays bridge weekly and is a whiz on the computer. The former chemical engineer and his wife, Ms. Schuh’s mother, live in an assisted living community in Illinois — they’re fortunate to have the help they need now that she, a former teacher, has dementia at 93.
“My father says he is spending my inheritance,” said Ms. Schuh, 65, who lives in Ann Arbor, Mich. “I say, ‘Go for it.’”
Witnessing her parents age well into their 90s has had a profound effect on how Ms. Schuh (pronounced shoo), an occupational therapist, is planning for her own next chapter. She’s laying the groundwork now: decluttering and donating, strengthening her social bonds and her body — she can lift 440 pounds on the leg press and has taken up swimming.
Ms. Schuh plans to continue to work until she’s 70, delaying Social Security, which will help her and her husband stretch their income further. Fortunately, she enjoys her job and it’s flexible enough — she can ferry her father to the doctor when needed.
Image
Three people -- a man and two women -- pose for a photo while eating at a restaurant.
Cathy Schuh celebrated her father’s 97th birthday with her parents, Russ and Carol Schuh, in March. Watching her parents age has had a profound effect on how she plans and saves for her own later years, she said. Credit...via Cathy Schuh
With Americans living ever longer lives, the age-old worry of outliving savings has become more pronounced, particularly when retirement can last for three decades or more. People who have already reached 65 have an average life expectancy of more than 86. For a 65-year old couple, there’s a 64 percent chance that at least one partner will live beyond 90, according to research tools from the Society of Actuaries Research Institute and the American Academy of Actuaries.
“Longevity used to be a pleasant abstraction in retirement planning conversations,” said Lucy Valandra, director of operations with Copper Beech Wealth Management. “Now it’s a central assumption.”
Retirement planning has always been challenging — there are so many unpredictable variables, not to mention the escalating cost of medical expenses, housing and long-term care. But instead of focusing on the unknowns, it’s more productive to focus on what you can control.
Some, like Ms. Shuh, are taking notes from their elders, embracing the future with more deliberate and thoughtful planning. Plenty are developing second or third acts that will enable them to continue to generate some income but on their own terms. Others have decided to try to insure the longevity risk — and anxiety — away, turning to products like annuities that they may have been skeptical of in the past.
The current moment, with rising energy prices, the prospect of inflation and ongoing market volatility, coupled with an unpredictable political establishment in the backdrop, has elevated stress levels. Add to that Social Security’s looming financing shortfall, which, if left unaddressed, could reduce benefits by more than 20 percent in less than eight years.
“Looking back over the last 100 years, the ground always seems to be moving beneath our feet,” said Cameron Willcox, a financial planner in Denver. “Retirees need to ensure they have enough safe assets to weather turbulent economic times.”
But, he continued, “as people live longer, they must ensure parts of their portfolio are built for growth to at least keep pace with long-term rising prices.”
The challenge is striking the right balance. There are a variety of ways to get there, which are often highly personal. The planning may be rooted in research and science, but it’s also driven by what feels right. Here are just a few things to consider, and the paths some people have taken.
Spending Plans
How much retirees can safely spend each year from their investment savings has long been subject to debate, and continues to evolve.
One long held rule of thumb has held that retirees could safely spend 4 percent of their initial retirement portfolio balance, while adjusting that amount for inflation each year thereafter — and the money would last 30 years. But that can lead to both overspending and under spending.
Though they say the 4-percent rule is still a good starting point, many financial planners are now leaning toward more dynamic withdrawals, which tend to align with human nature anyway. When the markets are performing well, retirees can spend modestly more — and the inverse is true when it drops below certain thresholds.
Some people crave more certainty. After working for nearly four decades as a flight attendant, Katrin Venema, 65, wanted the comfort of a guaranteed paycheck in retirement. “My dad is 97, my mom just turned 90,” she said. “They never expected to live this long and are now facing the possibility of running out of money.”
That, coupled with the current economic uncertainty, prompted her to consider an annuity. After reviewing several options with her 401(k) plan administrator, she rolled over $300,000 into an annuity that begins on her 67th birthday and pays $2,000 monthly for the rest of her life.
Image
An illustration of a hand holding coins in front of a wall with several coin slots.
Credit...Dadu Shin
If something happened to her, the income would be paid to her husband (or another beneficiary), for 20 years.
“That was important to me,” she said, though she acknowledged the payments would lose purchasing power over time because they were not adjusted for inflation.
Many finance experts like the simplicity of single premium immediate annuities and deferred income annuities because they’re straightforward and easy to compare — unlike the sketchy, high-cost versions that often make misleading or exaggerated claims.
David Blanchett, the head of retirement research at Prudential Financial, advocates buying enough of an income stream to cover essential expenses that Social Security doesn’t cover. But it pays to shop around — at the moment, some of the highest-rated insurers, like Guardian and New York Life, are providing the most generous payouts, he said, which isn’t always the case.
Insuring Longevity
Chuck McLean, a 71-year-old retired statistical analyst in Virginia, said his wife, Regan, 70, recently retired from her second act as a certified personal trainer at the local Y.M.C.A. “There is simply no reason to think she won’t live well into her 90s or beyond,” he said.
A few years ago, they bought longevity insurance, where you essentially pay an insurer in exchange for a stream of guaranteed income that begins at least a year into the future — and perhaps as late as 85. Also known as deferred income annuities, they have larger payouts than immediate annuities (that begin right away) and let retirees spend their savings more freely, knowing the annuity payments will kick in later. But one potential risk is if the retiree doesn’t live long enough to collect anything (and then heirs won’t receive anything, either).
The McLeans diverted a quarter of their pretax savings into the product, or a “qualifying longevity annuity contract,” which would begin paying them in 2033.
“It was hard sending that money away,” Mr. McLean said, but there were tax advantages, and they are more comfortable spending their savings knowing that income will start later.
Long-term Care and Hybrid Policies
Though many aging people may need assistance in their homes or in a facility, be it for daily tasks or because of cognitive decline, just a fraction of Americans have long-term care insurance — it’s often expensive, and premiums can skyrocket over time, causing some people to trim back their benefits so they can continue to afford their policies. Medicaid covers long-term care if you have little money or assets, but Medicare does not.
Tim Paulson, a 76-year-old in Los Angeles, has stuck with his long-term care policy, which jumped nearly 44 percent over the past two years — though he could have paid less if he was willing to reduce his benefits.
“Despite a reputation among family and friends of being a worrier, I must also have an optimistic streak,” said Mr. Paulson, who continues to work as a real estate agent, “because my biggest fear is that I will live to be 100 and run out of money.”
His policy costs nearly $4,700, while his wife, who has a chronic condition, pays nearly $6,300. That buys them a benefit of up to $322.50 daily for six years.
John Scott, 60, and his husband, 68, pay about $2,800 annually between them for a shared three years of coverage. Given their age gap, “there was a risk that we would spend down our savings if he needs long-term care when he’s older, putting me in a precarious financial position as I approached my own old age,” Mr. Scott, of Austin, Texas, added. “The long-term care policy helps mitigate that risk.”
(Here’s more information on how to approach long-term care insurance.)
Getting Help
Having a sounding board to figure out what works best for your situation can be therapeutic. Financial planners can also spark conversations and thought exercises to help envision what retirement may look like and what’s realistic. The key is finding the right type — namely, one that serves as a fiduciary, or puts your interests ahead of their own, and that charges for their time and service, not when they sell products.
For Deborah Banks, of Oneonta, N.Y., it was well worth the cost — she and her husband pay their adviser a flat fee each quarter. He has helped consolidate and diversify her and her husband’s investments, and suggested she wait to take Social Security.
“This enabled me to retire with peace of mind,” she added. “No worries about whether we are spending too much or not managing our money well.”
Tara Siegel Bernard writes about personal finance for The Times, from saving for college to paying for retirement and everything in between.
How to Prepare for a Longer Life https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/28/your ... onses.html
April 28, 2026
Can Spending More Improve Your Health and Prolong Your Life? https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/27/your ... ustry.html
April 27, 2026
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/29/your ... e9677ea768
With Americans living ever longer lives, the age-old worry of outliving savings has become more pronounced.
By Tara Siegel Bernard
April 29, 2026
At 97, Cathy Schuh’s father does Sudoku, the crossword, plays bridge weekly and is a whiz on the computer. The former chemical engineer and his wife, Ms. Schuh’s mother, live in an assisted living community in Illinois — they’re fortunate to have the help they need now that she, a former teacher, has dementia at 93.
“My father says he is spending my inheritance,” said Ms. Schuh, 65, who lives in Ann Arbor, Mich. “I say, ‘Go for it.’”
Witnessing her parents age well into their 90s has had a profound effect on how Ms. Schuh (pronounced shoo), an occupational therapist, is planning for her own next chapter. She’s laying the groundwork now: decluttering and donating, strengthening her social bonds and her body — she can lift 440 pounds on the leg press and has taken up swimming.
Ms. Schuh plans to continue to work until she’s 70, delaying Social Security, which will help her and her husband stretch their income further. Fortunately, she enjoys her job and it’s flexible enough — she can ferry her father to the doctor when needed.
Image
Three people -- a man and two women -- pose for a photo while eating at a restaurant.
Cathy Schuh celebrated her father’s 97th birthday with her parents, Russ and Carol Schuh, in March. Watching her parents age has had a profound effect on how she plans and saves for her own later years, she said. Credit...via Cathy Schuh
With Americans living ever longer lives, the age-old worry of outliving savings has become more pronounced, particularly when retirement can last for three decades or more. People who have already reached 65 have an average life expectancy of more than 86. For a 65-year old couple, there’s a 64 percent chance that at least one partner will live beyond 90, according to research tools from the Society of Actuaries Research Institute and the American Academy of Actuaries.
“Longevity used to be a pleasant abstraction in retirement planning conversations,” said Lucy Valandra, director of operations with Copper Beech Wealth Management. “Now it’s a central assumption.”
Retirement planning has always been challenging — there are so many unpredictable variables, not to mention the escalating cost of medical expenses, housing and long-term care. But instead of focusing on the unknowns, it’s more productive to focus on what you can control.
Some, like Ms. Shuh, are taking notes from their elders, embracing the future with more deliberate and thoughtful planning. Plenty are developing second or third acts that will enable them to continue to generate some income but on their own terms. Others have decided to try to insure the longevity risk — and anxiety — away, turning to products like annuities that they may have been skeptical of in the past.
The current moment, with rising energy prices, the prospect of inflation and ongoing market volatility, coupled with an unpredictable political establishment in the backdrop, has elevated stress levels. Add to that Social Security’s looming financing shortfall, which, if left unaddressed, could reduce benefits by more than 20 percent in less than eight years.
“Looking back over the last 100 years, the ground always seems to be moving beneath our feet,” said Cameron Willcox, a financial planner in Denver. “Retirees need to ensure they have enough safe assets to weather turbulent economic times.”
But, he continued, “as people live longer, they must ensure parts of their portfolio are built for growth to at least keep pace with long-term rising prices.”
The challenge is striking the right balance. There are a variety of ways to get there, which are often highly personal. The planning may be rooted in research and science, but it’s also driven by what feels right. Here are just a few things to consider, and the paths some people have taken.
Spending Plans
How much retirees can safely spend each year from their investment savings has long been subject to debate, and continues to evolve.
One long held rule of thumb has held that retirees could safely spend 4 percent of their initial retirement portfolio balance, while adjusting that amount for inflation each year thereafter — and the money would last 30 years. But that can lead to both overspending and under spending.
Though they say the 4-percent rule is still a good starting point, many financial planners are now leaning toward more dynamic withdrawals, which tend to align with human nature anyway. When the markets are performing well, retirees can spend modestly more — and the inverse is true when it drops below certain thresholds.
Some people crave more certainty. After working for nearly four decades as a flight attendant, Katrin Venema, 65, wanted the comfort of a guaranteed paycheck in retirement. “My dad is 97, my mom just turned 90,” she said. “They never expected to live this long and are now facing the possibility of running out of money.”
That, coupled with the current economic uncertainty, prompted her to consider an annuity. After reviewing several options with her 401(k) plan administrator, she rolled over $300,000 into an annuity that begins on her 67th birthday and pays $2,000 monthly for the rest of her life.
Image
An illustration of a hand holding coins in front of a wall with several coin slots.
Credit...Dadu Shin
If something happened to her, the income would be paid to her husband (or another beneficiary), for 20 years.
“That was important to me,” she said, though she acknowledged the payments would lose purchasing power over time because they were not adjusted for inflation.
Many finance experts like the simplicity of single premium immediate annuities and deferred income annuities because they’re straightforward and easy to compare — unlike the sketchy, high-cost versions that often make misleading or exaggerated claims.
David Blanchett, the head of retirement research at Prudential Financial, advocates buying enough of an income stream to cover essential expenses that Social Security doesn’t cover. But it pays to shop around — at the moment, some of the highest-rated insurers, like Guardian and New York Life, are providing the most generous payouts, he said, which isn’t always the case.
Insuring Longevity
Chuck McLean, a 71-year-old retired statistical analyst in Virginia, said his wife, Regan, 70, recently retired from her second act as a certified personal trainer at the local Y.M.C.A. “There is simply no reason to think she won’t live well into her 90s or beyond,” he said.
A few years ago, they bought longevity insurance, where you essentially pay an insurer in exchange for a stream of guaranteed income that begins at least a year into the future — and perhaps as late as 85. Also known as deferred income annuities, they have larger payouts than immediate annuities (that begin right away) and let retirees spend their savings more freely, knowing the annuity payments will kick in later. But one potential risk is if the retiree doesn’t live long enough to collect anything (and then heirs won’t receive anything, either).
The McLeans diverted a quarter of their pretax savings into the product, or a “qualifying longevity annuity contract,” which would begin paying them in 2033.
“It was hard sending that money away,” Mr. McLean said, but there were tax advantages, and they are more comfortable spending their savings knowing that income will start later.
Long-term Care and Hybrid Policies
Though many aging people may need assistance in their homes or in a facility, be it for daily tasks or because of cognitive decline, just a fraction of Americans have long-term care insurance — it’s often expensive, and premiums can skyrocket over time, causing some people to trim back their benefits so they can continue to afford their policies. Medicaid covers long-term care if you have little money or assets, but Medicare does not.
Tim Paulson, a 76-year-old in Los Angeles, has stuck with his long-term care policy, which jumped nearly 44 percent over the past two years — though he could have paid less if he was willing to reduce his benefits.
“Despite a reputation among family and friends of being a worrier, I must also have an optimistic streak,” said Mr. Paulson, who continues to work as a real estate agent, “because my biggest fear is that I will live to be 100 and run out of money.”
His policy costs nearly $4,700, while his wife, who has a chronic condition, pays nearly $6,300. That buys them a benefit of up to $322.50 daily for six years.
John Scott, 60, and his husband, 68, pay about $2,800 annually between them for a shared three years of coverage. Given their age gap, “there was a risk that we would spend down our savings if he needs long-term care when he’s older, putting me in a precarious financial position as I approached my own old age,” Mr. Scott, of Austin, Texas, added. “The long-term care policy helps mitigate that risk.”
(Here’s more information on how to approach long-term care insurance.)
Getting Help
Having a sounding board to figure out what works best for your situation can be therapeutic. Financial planners can also spark conversations and thought exercises to help envision what retirement may look like and what’s realistic. The key is finding the right type — namely, one that serves as a fiduciary, or puts your interests ahead of their own, and that charges for their time and service, not when they sell products.
For Deborah Banks, of Oneonta, N.Y., it was well worth the cost — she and her husband pay their adviser a flat fee each quarter. He has helped consolidate and diversify her and her husband’s investments, and suggested she wait to take Social Security.
“This enabled me to retire with peace of mind,” she added. “No worries about whether we are spending too much or not managing our money well.”
Tara Siegel Bernard writes about personal finance for The Times, from saving for college to paying for retirement and everything in between.
How to Prepare for a Longer Life https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/28/your ... onses.html
April 28, 2026
Can Spending More Improve Your Health and Prolong Your Life? https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/27/your ... ustry.html
April 27, 2026
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/29/your ... e9677ea768
Re: THE ELDERLY
Quote of the day by Confucius: 'Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then...' – inspiring lessons on aging, life’s changing priorities and why growing older will help find peace by Confucianism founder
Synopsis
Quote of the day by Confucius: Confucius viewed aging not with fear but as a comfortable transition. He believed older years offer a unique perspective, allowing one to observe life with gained wisdom and clarity. This shift from active participation to a spectator role brings a different understanding and appreciation.
Quote of the day by Confucius: Aging is often discussed with hesitation or fear, especially in a world that frequently celebrates youth, speed, and constant achievement. Yet for many people, growing older also brings perspective, calmness, experience, and a different understanding of life. Over time, priorities shift, ambitions evolve, and moments once overlooked can begin to feel more meaningful. While aging may involve change and uncertainty, it can also offer wisdom and the c ..
Quote of the Day Today: Confucius on Aging and Wisdom
Quote of the day by Confucius, "Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator," as per BrainyQuote.
Confucius Quote Explained: The Meaning Behind Aging Gracefully
The quote presents old age not as a loss, but as a transition into a different role in life. Confucius compares life to a stage, where younger years are often filled with activity, responsibility, and participation at the center of events. As people grow older, they may gradually step away from those roles, but the quote suggests that this shift does not reduce their value or importance.
Read more at:
https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... aign=cppst
****************************
Chinese Proverb of the Day: “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman” — Life lessons on insecurity, compatibility, social perception, trust issues and why age is just a number
Synopsis
Chinese Proverb of the Day explores the meaning of “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman.” The traditional saying reflects cultural views about age-gap relationships, trust, insecurity, and emotional connection. It explains how relationships built on status or convenience may face doubts about loyalty and compatibility.
Chinese proverb of the day brings attention to a traditional saying that reflects human relationships, emotional trust, and social perception. The proverb “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman” shares lessons about insecurity, age-gap relationships, and the importance of genuine emotional connection. Many people use such proverbs to explain human behavior and relationship dynamics in simple but memorable ways.
These sayings often emerged from traditional social values and cultural observations passed down across generations. Over time, they became part of conversations about marriage, loyalty, and personal choices. The proverb explains how relationships based mainly on status or convenience may face doubt and emotional distance. This explainer covers the meaning, lessons, cultural context, and modern relevance of the proverb in today’s changing views on love and relationships.
Also Read: Chinese Proverb of the Day: “It’s not the beauty of a woman that blinds the man, the man blinds himself” — Life lessons on perception, self-control, desire and why love is blind https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... s?from=mdr
Read more at:
https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... aign=cppst
Synopsis
Quote of the day by Confucius: Confucius viewed aging not with fear but as a comfortable transition. He believed older years offer a unique perspective, allowing one to observe life with gained wisdom and clarity. This shift from active participation to a spectator role brings a different understanding and appreciation.
Quote of the day by Confucius: Aging is often discussed with hesitation or fear, especially in a world that frequently celebrates youth, speed, and constant achievement. Yet for many people, growing older also brings perspective, calmness, experience, and a different understanding of life. Over time, priorities shift, ambitions evolve, and moments once overlooked can begin to feel more meaningful. While aging may involve change and uncertainty, it can also offer wisdom and the c ..
Quote of the Day Today: Confucius on Aging and Wisdom
Quote of the day by Confucius, "Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator," as per BrainyQuote.
Confucius Quote Explained: The Meaning Behind Aging Gracefully
The quote presents old age not as a loss, but as a transition into a different role in life. Confucius compares life to a stage, where younger years are often filled with activity, responsibility, and participation at the center of events. As people grow older, they may gradually step away from those roles, but the quote suggests that this shift does not reduce their value or importance.
Read more at:
https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... aign=cppst
****************************
Chinese Proverb of the Day: “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman” — Life lessons on insecurity, compatibility, social perception, trust issues and why age is just a number
Synopsis
Chinese Proverb of the Day explores the meaning of “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman.” The traditional saying reflects cultural views about age-gap relationships, trust, insecurity, and emotional connection. It explains how relationships built on status or convenience may face doubts about loyalty and compatibility.
Chinese proverb of the day brings attention to a traditional saying that reflects human relationships, emotional trust, and social perception. The proverb “A young woman with an old man is really someone else’s woman” shares lessons about insecurity, age-gap relationships, and the importance of genuine emotional connection. Many people use such proverbs to explain human behavior and relationship dynamics in simple but memorable ways.
These sayings often emerged from traditional social values and cultural observations passed down across generations. Over time, they became part of conversations about marriage, loyalty, and personal choices. The proverb explains how relationships based mainly on status or convenience may face doubt and emotional distance. This explainer covers the meaning, lessons, cultural context, and modern relevance of the proverb in today’s changing views on love and relationships.
Also Read: Chinese Proverb of the Day: “It’s not the beauty of a woman that blinds the man, the man blinds himself” — Life lessons on perception, self-control, desire and why love is blind https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... s?from=mdr
Read more at:
https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/ne ... aign=cppst
Re: THE ELDERLY
A received
With so many seniors in the group, I feel this is worth sharing, so that the younger generation understands!
*THE DAY LUXURY DESTROYED A HAPPY FAMILY*
---------------------------
A very unusual *“case”* once came to me for legal consultancy.
There was no property dispute. No criminal allegation. No divorce petition. No litigation.
And yet-the house had become a complete civil war zone!
An elderly father abused everyone in the house.
The mother remained depressed, angry, emotionally broken, and slowly slipping into dementia.
The son and daughter-in-law were exhausted and mentally shattered. Everybody was fighting with everybody. The son and daughter-in-law came to me and said:
*“We do not understand what has happened. We gave our parents every luxury possible. But after all comforts entered the house-peace disappeared.”*
Then they narrated the full story:
Both husband and wife had worked for years in multinational companies in Pune. Extremely busy lives. Corporate schedules. Meetings. Deadlines.
Like most modern professionals, they had outsourced almost every household task in their own lives—
Cook, Cleaning, Laundry, Groceries, Everything.
Later they shifted back to Delhi to start their own venture and began living with the husband’s 80-year-old parents after many years. And what they saw surprised them.
*The old couple’s entire life revolved around kitchen work, washing clothes, folding clothes, buying vegetables, arranging utensils, discussing masalas, and managing tiny household chores.*
The son and daughter-in-law felt emotional. They thought:
*“Our parents struggled their entire lives for us. Now it is our duty to give them comfort.”*
So, they transformed the house.
—A full-time cook was hired. Groceries started coming through Blinkit.
Amazon delivered household supplies.
A full-time attendant was hired for the mother.
A separate car was kept for the parents.
The attendant massaged her feet, Applied oil in her hair, Brought water, Served tea, took her for walks.
The children thought that Now our parents will finally enjoy life. But, within months, everything collapsed.
—The mother-in-law stopped working completely.
Stopped moving. Stopped thinking. She began sleeping the whole day and complaining constantly.
Growing emotionally dependent.
Then depression came. Then signs of dementia started appearing.
—The father-in-law became aggressive and bitter. He fought with delivery boys. Insulted maids. Abused cooks. Shouted at attendants. Roamed outside the whole day aimlessly and returned home angry.
The house had become emotionally poisonous.
The son and daughter-in-law sat before me completely confused:
*“We removed all struggles from their lives. Then why did life become worse?”*
And honestly, I found this case more profound than many court cases I have handled. Because slowly the real issue became visible. The old parents were not unhappy because work existed earlier.
*They were unhappy because meaning of life had disappeared now.*
Earlier the father woke up with purpose. He made tea for his wife. Read the newspaper with her. Took a cloth bag and went to the market. Discussed vegetables. Compared prices. Bought groceries. Earlier the mother planned meals. Checked masalas. Cooked rotis. Folded clothes. Discussed the next day’s chores.
—These were not merely *“household tasks.”* These were invisible emotional threads that kept two elderly people mentally alive and deeply connected to each other. The kitchen was not merely a kitchen. It was *“companionship.”*
The market was not merely shopping. It was relevance. The small quarrels over coriander and chilies were not conflict. They were communication.
Modern people like us often misunderstand old age. We think old people only need comfort. *'NO'.*
Human beings do not merely need comfort. Human beings need relevance. The mind needs a project. The body needs movement. The heart needs to feel useful.
~So, I suggested something very strange to them.
*“Reduce the luxuries.”*
Not cruelty. Not neglect. But remove excessive dependency. Remove the full-time attendant. Keep only partial assistance. Give them responsibility again. Give them importance again. Make them needed again.
—The son started telling his mother:
*“Nobody cooks like you. Please make one sabzi for me daily.”*
The daughter-in-law started telling the father:
*“The vegetables you bring taste fresher.”*
Slowly, the old rhythm of life returned. Again there were discussions.
Again there were plans for tomorrow. Again there were small fights. Again there was movement.
Again there was purpose.
—And slowly… happiness returned too.
That case taught me one of the deepest lessons of human life.
*1. Luxury does not always create happiness.*
*2. Sometimes the smallest daily struggles silently keep human beings alive from within.*
*3. A person must wake up in the morning feeling:*
*“Someone needs me today.” That feeling itself is life.*
With so many seniors in the group, I feel this is worth sharing, so that the younger generation understands!
*THE DAY LUXURY DESTROYED A HAPPY FAMILY*
---------------------------
A very unusual *“case”* once came to me for legal consultancy.
There was no property dispute. No criminal allegation. No divorce petition. No litigation.
And yet-the house had become a complete civil war zone!
An elderly father abused everyone in the house.
The mother remained depressed, angry, emotionally broken, and slowly slipping into dementia.
The son and daughter-in-law were exhausted and mentally shattered. Everybody was fighting with everybody. The son and daughter-in-law came to me and said:
*“We do not understand what has happened. We gave our parents every luxury possible. But after all comforts entered the house-peace disappeared.”*
Then they narrated the full story:
Both husband and wife had worked for years in multinational companies in Pune. Extremely busy lives. Corporate schedules. Meetings. Deadlines.
Like most modern professionals, they had outsourced almost every household task in their own lives—
Cook, Cleaning, Laundry, Groceries, Everything.
Later they shifted back to Delhi to start their own venture and began living with the husband’s 80-year-old parents after many years. And what they saw surprised them.
*The old couple’s entire life revolved around kitchen work, washing clothes, folding clothes, buying vegetables, arranging utensils, discussing masalas, and managing tiny household chores.*
The son and daughter-in-law felt emotional. They thought:
*“Our parents struggled their entire lives for us. Now it is our duty to give them comfort.”*
So, they transformed the house.
—A full-time cook was hired. Groceries started coming through Blinkit.
Amazon delivered household supplies.
A full-time attendant was hired for the mother.
A separate car was kept for the parents.
The attendant massaged her feet, Applied oil in her hair, Brought water, Served tea, took her for walks.
The children thought that Now our parents will finally enjoy life. But, within months, everything collapsed.
—The mother-in-law stopped working completely.
Stopped moving. Stopped thinking. She began sleeping the whole day and complaining constantly.
Growing emotionally dependent.
Then depression came. Then signs of dementia started appearing.
—The father-in-law became aggressive and bitter. He fought with delivery boys. Insulted maids. Abused cooks. Shouted at attendants. Roamed outside the whole day aimlessly and returned home angry.
The house had become emotionally poisonous.
The son and daughter-in-law sat before me completely confused:
*“We removed all struggles from their lives. Then why did life become worse?”*
And honestly, I found this case more profound than many court cases I have handled. Because slowly the real issue became visible. The old parents were not unhappy because work existed earlier.
*They were unhappy because meaning of life had disappeared now.*
Earlier the father woke up with purpose. He made tea for his wife. Read the newspaper with her. Took a cloth bag and went to the market. Discussed vegetables. Compared prices. Bought groceries. Earlier the mother planned meals. Checked masalas. Cooked rotis. Folded clothes. Discussed the next day’s chores.
—These were not merely *“household tasks.”* These were invisible emotional threads that kept two elderly people mentally alive and deeply connected to each other. The kitchen was not merely a kitchen. It was *“companionship.”*
The market was not merely shopping. It was relevance. The small quarrels over coriander and chilies were not conflict. They were communication.
Modern people like us often misunderstand old age. We think old people only need comfort. *'NO'.*
Human beings do not merely need comfort. Human beings need relevance. The mind needs a project. The body needs movement. The heart needs to feel useful.
~So, I suggested something very strange to them.
*“Reduce the luxuries.”*
Not cruelty. Not neglect. But remove excessive dependency. Remove the full-time attendant. Keep only partial assistance. Give them responsibility again. Give them importance again. Make them needed again.
—The son started telling his mother:
*“Nobody cooks like you. Please make one sabzi for me daily.”*
The daughter-in-law started telling the father:
*“The vegetables you bring taste fresher.”*
Slowly, the old rhythm of life returned. Again there were discussions.
Again there were plans for tomorrow. Again there were small fights. Again there was movement.
Again there was purpose.
—And slowly… happiness returned too.
That case taught me one of the deepest lessons of human life.
*1. Luxury does not always create happiness.*
*2. Sometimes the smallest daily struggles silently keep human beings alive from within.*
*3. A person must wake up in the morning feeling:*
*“Someone needs me today.” That feeling itself is life.*
Re: THE ELDERLY
7 Brutal Habits That Age You Faster Than You Think
Watch: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5wcyJo5xTes
Watch: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5wcyJo5xTes
Re: THE ELDERLY
The Pain of Caring for a Parent Who Abused You
The United States is reliant on unpaid family caregivers, and millions of adult children are caring for parents who didn’t really care for them.
Katie Engelhart
By Katie Engelhart
It started in January 2024, with a call from her father’s eye doctor. Did Carole know that Andre was still driving, even though his vision was so poor? Even though it was illegal to drive with eyesight so bad?
Well, no, she didn’t; she made a point not to know this sort of thing about her father. Also, she didn’t really care.
Still, Carole drove to his house, on the outskirts of Santa Rosa, Calif., down long dirt roads surrounded by vineyards. The house had beige carpets and beige curtains and beige walls with wood paneling — and Carole, who visited infrequently, was startled at “the squalor he was living in.” Everything was in disrepair. The food was expired. There were rats in the ceilings, but Andre, who was partly deaf, couldn’t hear the ceaseless patter of their feet above him.
And there was her father, 93, standing by the front door, on that filthy rug, next to the maroon-colored walker that he hated to use. Looking small, looking weathered. Carole didn’t want to stay, but she stayed, and later she would think that she never really had a choice to do otherwise. Her sister would have nothing to do with Andre — they had been estranged for years — and by then his siblings were all either dead or too old to help him. Maybe she could have just walked away, left her father to become a ward of the state, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “I have enough integrity,” Carole, who is 58, told me. “And I have to be able to live with myself after that [expletive] is dead.”
The visit led to hours of help a week, and later hours each day. Carole took Andre to his appointments. She managed his finances and his medications. She ran his errands. She answered his endless calls and text messages. Andre had some savings from his decades of working as a newspaper typesetter, but he refused to spend anything on his care. He said he didn’t need it. And while his doctor agreed with Carole that her father clearly had some dementia, he told her that she couldn’t force him to pay for caregivers or cleaners or anything else. So that was that.
That spring, Carole installed a security camera outside his front door that sent alerts to her phone whenever he went outside. Once, at work, she opened the app to see her father, who was gardening, fall straight backward, deadweight, slamming his head on the concrete before sitting up, seeming to have a seizure and falling back down again. She took him to the E.R. that time, and every time he fell after that.
ImageA close-up photograph of a man’s weathered hand and forearm, as he sits on what appears to be a bed, with a remote control dangling nearby to adjust it.
Carole’s caring for her father turned from hours of help a week to hours each day.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
But there were things she wouldn’t do: embrace her father, for instance. Whenever Carole drove Andre anywhere, she would make him sit in the passenger’s seat until she could get his walker from the trunk and position it by the door, and she would put a hand on his back or his arm to steady him, but she wouldn’t take him into her arms.
Sometimes, for a moment, Carole could see Andre as others saw him, as a sweet old thing. A French Canadian man with pale blue eyes and a bad knee, who said “merci beaucoup” with the remnants of an accent. An older person with dementia who was losing the thread.
But usually, she saw him as he was when she was a little girl, when he used to kick her — hard, “like you would kick a dog that you were abusing.” She remembered being 4 and playing with her toys in the family room and her father yelling at her to pick them up — and then, when she didn’t, him grabbing her by both hands, so that she couldn’t get away. “He’s holding my right hand. He’s holding my left hand. And he’s kicking me in the crotch. It’s hurting really bad. I pissed my pants, and I was humiliated, because I was potty-trained, you know?” She remembered that after it was over, she cleaned up her toys and went upstairs to change her clothes.
When Carole first became a caregiver for her father, she joined Parenting Aging Parents, a Facebook group with nearly 40,000 members, most of them women. Carole read the message board, but she didn’t see her situation reflected in many of the comments. The other people in the group seemed to have had good parents, or at least good-enough parents, who in turn earned their children’s support in old age. Carole felt like a lone caregiver whose sense of obligation came without all the cozy feelings.
Soon enough, though, she began to see that there were others like her. They tended to be quieter, but they occasionally revealed themselves in the comments. They were all across the country, too, people caring for mothers and fathers who had themselves been poor caregivers. (The caregivers I spoke to asked to be identified only by their first names to protect their privacy.)
Some had parents who never said “I love you”; who never tried very hard; who never took an interest. Others had parents who hurt them. Many were harmed in the usual, derivative ways — with belts and closed fists and neglect and humiliation — but some had parents who were more inventive in their infliction of pain. A woman whose father would swing her sister around by her ponytail. A man whose drunken mother used to wake him up at night to tell him that he was a “piece of shit” for hours on end, so he couldn’t sleep.
They all had their reasons for looking after parents who seemed so undeserving. They said they had to because there was nobody else. Because they couldn’t afford paid nursing aides, or because they couldn’t find any in their small town. Some did it because of Catholic guilt, because of other kinds of guilt. Because the sight of a once-robust parent, now degraded and infirm, had unmoored them. In Florida, a woman agreed to care for her father because he had apologized for everything. In Delaware, another women did the same because even though her father used to beat her, he later defended her, to her mother, when she came out as gay.
They did it because they wanted the inheritance. Because they believed that a child’s duty to a parent was unconditional. Because “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Because they hadn’t realized how hard it would be; how expensive it would be; how long their parents would hold on. Some did it because their fathers were too weak to hurt them now. Because they wanted to be good people. Because one thing led to another, and now there was nothing to do but endure it.
In the early 2010s, a social-work researcher named Jooyoung Kong, now a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, looked at the proportion of American adults who were caring for older parents (currently around 10 percent) and those who said they were physically or sexually abused as children (more than 20 percent). She theorized that some adults were caring for parents who once harmed them, and she wanted to study them. Her colleagues assumed she would find very few.
Instead, in a 2015 study called “Caring for My Abuser,” which analyzed caregiver data, Kong and her co-author, Sara Moorman, found that of 1,001 adults providing care for aging parents, 18.6 percent reported having experienced verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood at the hands of a parent, and that 9.4 percent reported neglect. If the numbers played out at scale, this could mean millions of Americans.
Kong found that, sometimes, culture explained the existence of these caregivers. There were people in certain communities and certain families who never questioned their obligations. They understood that they were meant to be caregivers, whatever happened before.
But there were structural causes too. When it comes to funding long-term care, we are “one of the worst” countries in the world, says Howard Gleckman, a fellow at the Urban Institute, a nonpartisan economic and policy research institute. Many Americans are startled to learn that Medicare doesn’t cover long-term caregiving at all, that it mostly pays for acute medical care — hospitalization after a broken hip or an infection, say — and a short period of rehabilitation afterward.
Medicaid does cover caregiving — professional aides to help with things like showering and using the toilet — but only for people with very limited assets, around $2,000. Even then, it often covers very little: perhaps a few hours a day, which may not be enough. Anybody else is left to embark on what policy analysts obliquely call the “spend-down pathway.” On average $35 an hour on at-home caregiving and $115,000 a year on a nursing home, but more for a private room.
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A woman stands in a doorway behind a man who is bent over, his head hidden by the wall, in a bathroom in what appears to be an institutional setting.
Carole minimizes physical contact with her father.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
And so the American system is reliant on unpaid family caregivers, and adult children in particular. Older people who are left to fend for themselves can meet dire fates: regular trips to the E.R. — for dehydration, malnourishment, pneumonia, urinary tract infections, fractures, falls — followed by hurried hospital discharges and brief stretches back at home, before the next emergency. The “doom loop” ends, Gleckman says, only when people die in their hospital rooms or at home. “And nobody knows it until, you know, the mail carrier or somebody smells something bad.”
Just the thought of it can force the hand of a reluctant caregiver. “I think that here, in the United States, it’s often perceived that caregiving is a choice, though more than 50 percent of U.S. caregivers feel like they don’t have a choice in becoming one,” says Allison Applebaum, a clinical psychologist who works with family caregivers. In these cases, the pretense of choice “almost begets a greater sense of burden and resentment.” The reluctant adult child suffers through it and then is told that she chose to.
A woman named Asia, who lives in Washington State, told me she became her father’s caregiver by mistake — though later, everyone said that she must have seen it coming. He was getting older and poorer, and he couldn’t afford his rent anymore. Asia and her husband at the time decided to build him a small house on their property. It would increase the value of the place, she reasoned, and her father could live there in the meantime. Only after he moved in did the extent of his dementia become clear.
Asia thought: Oh my gosh, no. I don’t have it in me to be a caretaker. Then she felt angry “and kind of stupid.” That was around 10 years ago.
When she was growing up, her father was very religious and very strict, and he often beat his children with a belt for their various infractions. Afterward, he would cry and promise to do better, and invariably the child he had beaten would end up consoling him and telling him that it was all OK. He was awful in other ways, too. He hated noise, for instance, and in his presence, his children were not allowed to laugh.
But now he had nobody else. Two of his four children wouldn’t speak to him, and another lived out of state. Asia decided that even though she had a bad childhood, this wasn’t an excuse to be a bad person now. Also, what was she going to do — evict a broke, demented man from her home?
Over the years, though, Asia’s father became “more demanding than every other aspect of my life” — more exhausting than her own children. She grew afraid to leave the house, afraid to water the flowers on the front porch, even, because every time her father saw her, he needed something else from her. As his dementia, later diagnosed as Alzheimer’s disease, worsened, he became more selfish and more self-righteous. He told her that he was “extremely disappointed” in her for the way she was living, outside of the church. “It sounds very dramatic, but it was literally killing me,” Asia told me. “I wasn’t able to have a life, in any way, outside of caring for him.” At some point, she told her husband that she was going to kill herself. She didn’t entirely mean it, but she did feel desperate.
Then he grew sicker. Earlier this year, Asia moved her father into a facility, and then another facility, and then into hospice. Sometimes, he would cry and beg to leave. Other times, he would ask when his other children were coming to visit. At first, Asia would say, “They’re not really happy with you because of how they were raised.” She didn’t want to console him. To let him eventually die believing that he was a good father. But later, she felt as if she was punishing him for something that he probably didn’t remember. She would say that they were busy.
Kong’s research into abused caregivers identified a dynamic that clinicians often missed. “We never asked about the relationship,” says Pat Berry, a retired hospice nurse who has studied family caregiving. Through her early years of nursing, Berry says, she always assumed that her elderly patients would be cared for by their children, whenever possible, and that their children would want to do it. And that, in the end, those children would be sad to see their parents die. Nurses were forever saying things like, “Oh, your mother is so sweet.” Or calling a daughter who hadn’t visited in a while: “Your mom’s been asking about you. I bet you’re busy, but boy it would be nice if you could come.” It never occurred to them that an adult child might be staying away because of the awful things that had been done to her.
Berry found herself thinking about language, about how everyone in health care uses “loved one” as a shorthand for “family member,” and how this reinforces a larger myth about how people in a family always love one another.
In therapists’ offices, though, these caregivers were presenting themselves. Many came to talk about setting boundaries. Given that they had to be caregivers, how could they bear it? What should and shouldn’t they do for the parents in their charge? Others came just to talk about the trials of caregiving — and sometimes, they said nothing at all about their abusive pasts, for weeks and weeks.
“Oftentimes, caregivers do have this dissociation,” says Stephanie Muskat, a Toronto-based social worker and founder of the Compassion in Caregiving therapy group. “It is very hard for someone to acknowledge, ‘This person really wronged me, and I’m very hurt deep down, but yet I am expending so much of myself, to give to that person.’ So they try to separate it, even subconsciously.” They tell their therapists only that they aren’t sleeping or that they’re angry all the time; that they’re overeating or undereating or drinking a lot. Muskat has had a few patients who, in some act of psychic self-preservation, managed to forget that they had ever been mistreated — at least, for a while.
Debora moved in with her parents five years ago, when her 87-year-old mother could no longer handle her 90-year-old father alone. “She’s real little, and he’s real big,” she says. Debora was the second of their 10 children and the oldest daughter, and her own husband had already died. Everyone assumed she would be the one to help. “I think it was just pretty much expected of me.” Even as a child, she was always a caregiver, always tending to her siblings on the family farm, always working in the kitchen, never allowed to go outside and play.
At her parents’ condo, Debora cleaned and organized and ran errands. She cooked meals that her father would push away, like a petulant child. As her father grew more frail, Debora also started helping him with other things: the toilet, the shower. “I didn’t wash his private parts,” she told me. “I gave him a rag to do his private parts. I was not going to do it, you know what I mean? But the rest of him, I scrubbed and scrubbed.”
Debora knew that when she was a child, her father sometimes hurt her, though her memories were blurred and incomplete. And so she had never told anybody — not her mother, not even her husband. But back with her parents, she started remembering things. Sometimes a smell — car oil (her father was a mechanic), lumber (he was always woodworking) — could resurrect a whole childhood scene. Debora came to see that her father had sexually abused her for years. That he had used her body over and over and also brought her to other men — the farm help, usually — and let them use her, too, in exchange for booze or cigarettes or whatever.
She trained her mind to go numb while she was caregiving. “I did it without feeling,” she says. “I was a robot.” But that worked only for a time; after that, she was angry. She started drinking — at first a little, and then a lot, in the hours after she put her parents to bed.
It was only when a few of her siblings confronted her about the drinking that “I finally came clean,” Debora says. “And they went nuts. They couldn’t believe it. Because we were the perfect family of 12 Catholics.” Everyone was so sorry. And after that, some of the siblings did start to hug her more, to call her more, to help with things.
But apart from her oldest brother, who wanted to know the details of what happened, nobody talked about the abuse again, and Debora continued to live there, in the condo. She wanted to prevent her mother from learning what her siblings now knew. Her mother was “a saint,” she says, and she deserved some peace in her final years.
It went on like that until one day in January 2026, when Debora’s mother went to lift something from the coffee table and fell — and then Debora’s father tried to help her, and he fell too. He ended up in the hospital and then a nursing home. And maybe this new distance opened up something in Debora, because she allowed herself to not visit him. To not care how he was doing.
He had been in the nursing home for several weeks before Debora’s mother remarked on her absence — and Debora decided that, to avoid her suspicion, she would visit. When she entered her father’s room, she found that “he was in an awful state. He had food all over his face, his clothes. He couldn’t reach the drink on his tray.”
Did she feel sorry for him?
“I did,” she says. “I did, and I don’t know why.”
Carole was angry all the time, host to a raw, indigestible fury. She would yell at Andre sometimes, and afterward, she would not feel bad about it.
What enraged her most was how he never seemed grateful for any of her help, or even, often, to notice it. Carole thought that a better parent would try to spare his daughter the burden. But Andre thought he deserved it all, and for someone else to pay. He never even offered to cover her gas.
“You know what, Dad,” she told him one day, after he refused to use his walker again, “when you fall, you better make sure you kill yourself, because if you break your leg or break your pelvis, and you end up in a diaper in a skilled nursing facility, you’re going to be miserable.”
In an email, her therapist wrote: “I feel concerned for you, Carole, and the level of retraumatization you are facing. Please protect yourself.”
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A woman in a black top and jeans, with a serious expression on her face, leans against a piece of wooden furniture, seemingly staring off into space.
Carole has been cleaning out her father’s home for months. Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
At some point, Carole met with social workers at the Redwood Caregiver Resource Center to ask what she could do about the fact that her father was refusing all kinds of professional help. Alexis Glidewell, the program director, said that this was often how things happened; the older adult was legally free to make his own choices, and he made imprudent ones. In elder care, scholars speak of an older person’s “right to folly.” Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to resolve things was to “precipitate a crisis.” Carole could wait for something bad to happen to Andre: a fall, a broken bone, something serious enough to get him admitted to a hospital. That would place him inside the system, at which point it would be the hospital’s responsibility to treat him and ensure his “safe discharge.”
If Carole refused to take him in, then Andre might be sent for rehabilitation at a nursing home that, at his age, he was unlikely to ever leave. Things played out like this all the time, Glidewell said. In other instances, people abandoned elderly relatives, many with dementia, at the doors to an emergency room, sometimes with letters pinned to their jackets. Something like, “Please take care of my dad.”
Social workers also understand that people who experience abuse as children can go on to become physically abusive caregivers. Hurt people, as they say, hurt people. But usually, Glidewell told me, when elder abuse occurs, it takes the form of “this kind of insidious neglect.” A daughter might give up on getting her father to take his medications, for instance, because he always puts up a fight about it. She might say, “Fine, Dad, do it yourself,” when she knows that he won’t.
In August 2025, nearly two years after the call from Andre’s eye doctor, Carole finally got her father an appointment with a neuropsychologist, who did a three-hour evaluation and diagnosed him as having major vascular neurocognitive disorder. The exam found that Andre’s language skills were still “average to high average” — he could speak fluidly and even be charming — but that his executive functioning was “low average to exceptionally low.” On one memory test, he scored in the less-than-first-percentile range. The neuropsychologist concluded that Andre lacked the capacity to make even basic medical decisions. From now on, Carole would make them for him.
“I guess I’m being punished by God,” Andre said.
“Everyone gets old and dies, Dad,” Carole said. “You aren’t being singled out.”
From all her time in therapy, and from all the psychology books she had read, Carole knew better than to expect anything meaningful to come from her caregiving efforts. Like healing, for instance. “There is going to be no redemption before he dies,” she said. The final years of Andre’s life would not be one of moral transformation or awakening: the flawed old man being brought to his knees in shame before his selfless child.
Still, she did sometimes reach for closure. Carole had gone a lifetime without ever asking Andre about the ways he had hurt her. She never thought there was a point; he was probably too much of a narcissist to even recognize himself as an abuser. But the experience of caregiving — her proximity to him, his proximity to death — made her want to ask. “Dad, you have the choice,” she said. “You could choose to take responsibility for your behavior before you die and apologize.”
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A close-up photo of two framed portraits, one of a young child in a white dress, the other of a couple on their wedding day.
Carole, as a child, alongside a picture of her parents. Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
But he just denied it all. He said that Carole was making it all up. That he had always been a decent father. That he hadn’t been like his own father, an awful man. “I did the best I could,” he said. It was hard to know, now, how much was dementia and how much was willful denial.
In January 2026, Andre finally agreed to move into a retirement home — and Carole set up an appointment with a placement agency. Andre was agitated at the meeting, and he yelled a lot, but he managed to ask for a balcony with a view of the mountains.
After the appointment, Carole turned to leave. When she did, she saw that her father had started to cry.
“He was wanting to hug me,” Carole said, later, “and he was crying, yeah. And I just … I didn’t want to hug him back.”
The question of what, exactly, children owe their parents has always shadowed the family unit. Common sense seems to say that we owe them something, even if it is hard to translate that intuition into a coherent account of how much precisely is due. Then again, common sense might also say that this debt is limited and, maybe, that it is contingent on how we were raised. “Each generation,” wrote the philosopher Daniel Callahan, “has had to make its own sense of the biblical injunction that we should honor our fathers and mothers.”
The question seemed to acquire a new urgency in the 1970s, when the proportion of Americans over 65 reached 10 percent and people started to speak of “the graying of America” — and when increased life expectancy meant that, in some families, elder care was now a decades-long undertaking.
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An older man seated at a dining table, eating dinner alone, with his back to the camera.
Andre having dinner at a care facility. As life expectancy increases, elder care can be a decades-long undertaking.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
With the creation of Medicare and Medicaid in 1965 and the subsequent expansion of Social Security, “filial obligation” became a growing preoccupation of the state. In the lead-up to the passage of the programs in Congress, there had been a political debate about whether adult children should be required to exhaust their financial resources, to help “indigent” parents, before the state stepped in. But controversially, when Medicaid eligibility regulations were published, they limited financial responsibility to applicants and their spouses. In other words, they expressly forbade states from treating a child’s income as if it were available to her parents.
Supporters of Medicare and Medicaid, says Hendrik Hartog, an emeritus professor of history at Princeton University, imagined that in addition to offering social assistance, the programs could promote family togetherness and even affection, by taking the straining obligations of elder care away from children and placing them on the government. “It sort of got parents and children out of the impossible situation.”
But as many as 40 states had old “filial responsibility” laws on the books: legislation that dated back to the colonies and that required adult children to financially support their impoverished parents. The laws, which were enforced only haphazardly, had been an attempt to codify filial obligation, less out of any moral imperative and more because filial duty kept government expenditures down. Now these old laws stood in tension with the new public welfare programs.
Nevertheless, many states refused to abolish them. In the early 1970s, Gov. Ronald Reagan vetoed two measures that would have repealed part of California’s law. Adult children who were financially able “should contribute,” Reagan argued, in a news release. “The integrity of our welfare program demands that responsible relatives help support their parents.”
These critics worried that public funding would weaken the American family as a moral category. “At one time, fathers that neglected to pay for their children were not punished,” read a 2002 article in Family Law Quarterly. “Today those same fathers would be considered ‘deadbeats’ subject to wage garnishment and a host of punishments.” It went on, “Until there is regular enforcement of filial-responsibility statutes, Americans will continue to believe that the government will take care of their parents.”
Fewer than two dozen states retain filial-responsibility laws today, and they are very rarely enforced. Pennsylvania is an exception. In a notable case in 2012, a man was held liable for his mother’s $93,000 nursing-home bill, after she moved to Greece without paying.
Katherine C. Pearson, a law professor at Pennsylvania State University, gives lectures about the legislation around the state. “And whenever I describe the law, I always see one person’s face get very frightened. And I know that they will come up and meet with me, and they will tell me a story about how their parent had been a bad parent.” In these instances, Pearson tells the person that having been abused is not, itself, a statutory defense but that judges consider it to be a mitigating factor — and that, in general, “if the parent didn’t hold up what we think of as a parent’s end of the bargain, then the court would prefer not to find that child liable.” She tells the person, “Hold on to that story.”
But some adult children have trouble knowing whether the word “abused” applies to them. They ask themselves, Didn’t everyone get hit back then? Were bad parents bad by some objective measure, or did they need to be judged against the standards of the time? And what about those parents who weren’t abusers themselves but who seemed to let their spouses get away with it?
It was only when Susan was in her late 40s that it occurred to her that her mother hadn’t been so great. Growing up, Susan told herself that everything was her father’s fault. It was her father, after all, who screamed all the time — all 210 pounds of him, stomping so hard that the walls would shake. “Everyone in the neighborhood could hear it,” she told me. When she was still very young, Susan “got this idea in my head that it was my sacred contract to take care of my mother. That it was my duty.”
Only years later did she think about how her mother had been “complicit” in things. How, yes, it was her father who raged, but it was her mother who didn’t do anything about it. Susan acknowledged that her mother was born in the 1930s and “was not, like, a woman’s libber” — but she had her own money and a good job, and ultimately, Susan thought, she could have left and taken her children with her. This is what a good mother would have done.
There were other things that Susan thought of, too. The way her mother had always been distracted or absent. Those years when she would come home from work and not make dinner and just silently watch TV all evening long — or else talk too much, about her husband and her marriage, as if Susan weren’t her daughter and just a little girl. How her mother used to snort or sneer or condescend when Susan said something sincere.
Susan’s father died first. Then, in July 2019, her mother had a stroke. Susan started traveling from Denver, where she lived, to Portland, Ore., where her mother lived, staying for longer stretches at a time before relocating in 2022. Susan had no kids or pets or job — she was on disability payments, because of multiple sclerosis — and so she thought it only made sense for her to go. In Portland, Susan took her mother to appointments and did her laundry and handled her banking. “I could do all of that administrative crap,” she said, “but I could not cook for my mother.” She couldn’t brush her mother’s hair, either. Those things felt too maternal, too caring.
Also, in her old age, her mother could be nasty — almost as if she was trying to provoke her daughter. In the early days, Susan would just lose control. “And guess what I would do? I would go straight into what my dad used to do. I’d scream at her, which is awful.”
But over time, as her dementia deepened, her mother started to change. She became “less defiant, more compliant,” Susan said. Nicer. Less selfish. She started saying “thank you” all the time. Susan was able to imagine, now, that she was caring for a different woman, a woman other than her mother.
For some caregivers, dementia can be a complicating factor; it can make an adult child wonder if she owes anything at all to a person who doesn’t resemble the parent who raised her — and who might not even remember having raised her. But for Susan, the disease made things easier; it let her keep going. “Oh, thank you, God,” she told herself, “for changing the circumstance so that I can actually serve my mother.”
In February, a local retirement facility accepted Andre’s application for residence. Carole had insisted, per her father’s request, that he receive a room with a view. His balcony would face westward. “He likes to see the sunset,” she said.
She would still have to visit on occasion, to refill his pill dispenser and to check up on him, but she hoped that the visits would be infrequent: once every three or four weeks, at most, until it was over.
In the days after Andre’s move, Carole’s sense of resentment toward him seemed to grow, expanding outward to fill the new physical distance between them — acres of grievance, enveloping everything. She thought constantly about how he had no appreciation of her sacrifice or any interest in it either. Once again, he was refusing to accept that he was hurting her, so that he could keep taking from her.
Experts in caregiving observe, in many families, a tendency to over-attribute agency to people with dementia. To see malice where there is only a symptomatic “combativeness”; to see gaslighting and prevarication where there is only memory impairment. This is particularly true if someone has always been this way: mean and manipulative. In these cases, family members might be unable to comprehend that the disease has taken over — that the same bad behavior must now be understood to have a different, disease-driven cause.
“The way dementia presents itself is particularly triggering for people who have had historically abusive relationships,” says Glidewell, the clinical social worker. But someone with dementia, she says, isn’t capable of elaborate manipulation, and all the layers of thought and action that it requires. “If a person can do that,” Glidewell says, “they likely don’t meet the criteria for dementia.”
Carole had considered the idea that she might be overestimating her father’s abilities. Still, most of the time, she thought that Andre was actively manipulating her and that his instinct to do it was strong enough to override his impairments. “Absolutely, 100 percent absolutely.”
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A woman’s hands holding a white file box with the label “ANDRE’S ACCOUNTS” in large capital letters.
Carole manages Andre’s finances. He had some savings from his decades of working as a newspaper typesetter, but he refused to spend anything on his care.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
She had started to clean out Andre’s old farmhouse. Within weeks, she had thrown out decades’ worth of plastic bags and paper napkins, many of them used. On the porch, Carole found canisters of paint that were half a century old, and in the back office, what seemed to be every pair of eyeglasses her father had ever owned. Sometimes, in the midst of it all, Carole would feel sorry for her father, for the way he had been living. But when she felt this way she would reread her mother’s old journal. In the journal, her mother had recorded insults that Andre had yelled at her, in front of their daughters — “[expletive] blockhead,” “[expletive] idiot,” “dumb, ignorant and gullible” — and described him threatening to kick Carole’s sister.
When Carole read the notes, “it was like my mother was validating me from beyond her grave.”
Carole said she didn’t care what happened to him, but she did keep visiting, not every few weeks, as she had hoped, but every few days. There was just so much to do to get him settled, she said. Carole spent hours digitizing old photographs and uploading them onto a digital picture frame, so that Andre could have something to look at when he was sitting in his armchair. She made appointments and spoke to his doctors. She reminded him to use cream on the itchy parts of his back. On days when she didn’t visit, Carole would monitor her father on her phone, with the Find My iPhone app, checking to make sure that he moved from his apartment to the restaurant around lunchtime and dinnertime.
On a recent Monday morning, Carole carried a few plastic bags down the hallway of the retirement facility, toward Andre’s apartment. The bags were filled with items that Andre had requested from the house — his mail, a knife sharpener — and some honey, for his coffee. “That’s very kind of you,” Andre said, when he answered the door. “Merci beaucoup.”
As Carole moved around the apartment, rearranging things, Andre told her that he had slipped the day before, in the bathroom, and hit his rib on the counter. Carole frowned. “How badly does it hurt?” He said it didn’t hurt so badly. Carole said that she would buy him a bath mat. Then she brought him a glass of water. “You were coughing,” she said, when he looked confused.
“Carole has been extremely helpful. I thank God every day for my daughter,” Andre told me, sitting at the edge of his brown recliner. “Without my daughter, I’d be a dead man.”
He said he liked his new place. He liked the balcony. Still, it was awful being so old — 95, as of a few months earlier. “I used to climb mountains,” he said. He wiped his eyes. “It’s my punishment. For being what I am.”
“What do you think you’re being punished for?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
Around lunchtime, Andre and I walked down the long hallway, past a digital sign advertising bingo, yoga and “Mocktail Monday” and into the facility’s restaurant, where he ordered a lentil soup and a coffee with three sugars. “I don’t want her to hear this,” Andre told me, “but Carole tends to be authoritarian.” She was bossy; she yelled. “I cannot fight back because I need her,” he said. “She knows that.”
Later, he said: “If Carole asks what I said about her, say that I said good things.”
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A photograph of personal belongings, mainly shoes, in an open closet with a sliding door, with beige carpeting in front.
Andre’s shoes and slippers, which remained in his home after he moved to a facility.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
Back in Andre’s apartment, Carole handed her father a pair of slippers. She said she wanted him to wear them, so that he wouldn’t slip again. Then she said that it was time for her to leave. “Give me your cheek, I want to kiss you,” Andre beckoned. “Love you.”
Carole flinched, then leaned in. “Love you, too.”
Andre died on June 3 following a heart attack. Carole is deciding what to do with his ashes.
Katie Engelhart is a contributing writer for the magazine focused on medicine and ethics. She won a Pulitzer Prize for her article about a woman with Alzheimer’s disease and the fight within her family over what was best for her.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/15/maga ... e9677ea768
The United States is reliant on unpaid family caregivers, and millions of adult children are caring for parents who didn’t really care for them.
Katie Engelhart
By Katie Engelhart
It started in January 2024, with a call from her father’s eye doctor. Did Carole know that Andre was still driving, even though his vision was so poor? Even though it was illegal to drive with eyesight so bad?
Well, no, she didn’t; she made a point not to know this sort of thing about her father. Also, she didn’t really care.
Still, Carole drove to his house, on the outskirts of Santa Rosa, Calif., down long dirt roads surrounded by vineyards. The house had beige carpets and beige curtains and beige walls with wood paneling — and Carole, who visited infrequently, was startled at “the squalor he was living in.” Everything was in disrepair. The food was expired. There were rats in the ceilings, but Andre, who was partly deaf, couldn’t hear the ceaseless patter of their feet above him.
And there was her father, 93, standing by the front door, on that filthy rug, next to the maroon-colored walker that he hated to use. Looking small, looking weathered. Carole didn’t want to stay, but she stayed, and later she would think that she never really had a choice to do otherwise. Her sister would have nothing to do with Andre — they had been estranged for years — and by then his siblings were all either dead or too old to help him. Maybe she could have just walked away, left her father to become a ward of the state, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “I have enough integrity,” Carole, who is 58, told me. “And I have to be able to live with myself after that [expletive] is dead.”
The visit led to hours of help a week, and later hours each day. Carole took Andre to his appointments. She managed his finances and his medications. She ran his errands. She answered his endless calls and text messages. Andre had some savings from his decades of working as a newspaper typesetter, but he refused to spend anything on his care. He said he didn’t need it. And while his doctor agreed with Carole that her father clearly had some dementia, he told her that she couldn’t force him to pay for caregivers or cleaners or anything else. So that was that.
That spring, Carole installed a security camera outside his front door that sent alerts to her phone whenever he went outside. Once, at work, she opened the app to see her father, who was gardening, fall straight backward, deadweight, slamming his head on the concrete before sitting up, seeming to have a seizure and falling back down again. She took him to the E.R. that time, and every time he fell after that.
ImageA close-up photograph of a man’s weathered hand and forearm, as he sits on what appears to be a bed, with a remote control dangling nearby to adjust it.
Carole’s caring for her father turned from hours of help a week to hours each day.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
But there were things she wouldn’t do: embrace her father, for instance. Whenever Carole drove Andre anywhere, she would make him sit in the passenger’s seat until she could get his walker from the trunk and position it by the door, and she would put a hand on his back or his arm to steady him, but she wouldn’t take him into her arms.
Sometimes, for a moment, Carole could see Andre as others saw him, as a sweet old thing. A French Canadian man with pale blue eyes and a bad knee, who said “merci beaucoup” with the remnants of an accent. An older person with dementia who was losing the thread.
But usually, she saw him as he was when she was a little girl, when he used to kick her — hard, “like you would kick a dog that you were abusing.” She remembered being 4 and playing with her toys in the family room and her father yelling at her to pick them up — and then, when she didn’t, him grabbing her by both hands, so that she couldn’t get away. “He’s holding my right hand. He’s holding my left hand. And he’s kicking me in the crotch. It’s hurting really bad. I pissed my pants, and I was humiliated, because I was potty-trained, you know?” She remembered that after it was over, she cleaned up her toys and went upstairs to change her clothes.
When Carole first became a caregiver for her father, she joined Parenting Aging Parents, a Facebook group with nearly 40,000 members, most of them women. Carole read the message board, but she didn’t see her situation reflected in many of the comments. The other people in the group seemed to have had good parents, or at least good-enough parents, who in turn earned their children’s support in old age. Carole felt like a lone caregiver whose sense of obligation came without all the cozy feelings.
Soon enough, though, she began to see that there were others like her. They tended to be quieter, but they occasionally revealed themselves in the comments. They were all across the country, too, people caring for mothers and fathers who had themselves been poor caregivers. (The caregivers I spoke to asked to be identified only by their first names to protect their privacy.)
Some had parents who never said “I love you”; who never tried very hard; who never took an interest. Others had parents who hurt them. Many were harmed in the usual, derivative ways — with belts and closed fists and neglect and humiliation — but some had parents who were more inventive in their infliction of pain. A woman whose father would swing her sister around by her ponytail. A man whose drunken mother used to wake him up at night to tell him that he was a “piece of shit” for hours on end, so he couldn’t sleep.
They all had their reasons for looking after parents who seemed so undeserving. They said they had to because there was nobody else. Because they couldn’t afford paid nursing aides, or because they couldn’t find any in their small town. Some did it because of Catholic guilt, because of other kinds of guilt. Because the sight of a once-robust parent, now degraded and infirm, had unmoored them. In Florida, a woman agreed to care for her father because he had apologized for everything. In Delaware, another women did the same because even though her father used to beat her, he later defended her, to her mother, when she came out as gay.
They did it because they wanted the inheritance. Because they believed that a child’s duty to a parent was unconditional. Because “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Because they hadn’t realized how hard it would be; how expensive it would be; how long their parents would hold on. Some did it because their fathers were too weak to hurt them now. Because they wanted to be good people. Because one thing led to another, and now there was nothing to do but endure it.
In the early 2010s, a social-work researcher named Jooyoung Kong, now a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, looked at the proportion of American adults who were caring for older parents (currently around 10 percent) and those who said they were physically or sexually abused as children (more than 20 percent). She theorized that some adults were caring for parents who once harmed them, and she wanted to study them. Her colleagues assumed she would find very few.
Instead, in a 2015 study called “Caring for My Abuser,” which analyzed caregiver data, Kong and her co-author, Sara Moorman, found that of 1,001 adults providing care for aging parents, 18.6 percent reported having experienced verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood at the hands of a parent, and that 9.4 percent reported neglect. If the numbers played out at scale, this could mean millions of Americans.
Kong found that, sometimes, culture explained the existence of these caregivers. There were people in certain communities and certain families who never questioned their obligations. They understood that they were meant to be caregivers, whatever happened before.
But there were structural causes too. When it comes to funding long-term care, we are “one of the worst” countries in the world, says Howard Gleckman, a fellow at the Urban Institute, a nonpartisan economic and policy research institute. Many Americans are startled to learn that Medicare doesn’t cover long-term caregiving at all, that it mostly pays for acute medical care — hospitalization after a broken hip or an infection, say — and a short period of rehabilitation afterward.
Medicaid does cover caregiving — professional aides to help with things like showering and using the toilet — but only for people with very limited assets, around $2,000. Even then, it often covers very little: perhaps a few hours a day, which may not be enough. Anybody else is left to embark on what policy analysts obliquely call the “spend-down pathway.” On average $35 an hour on at-home caregiving and $115,000 a year on a nursing home, but more for a private room.
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A woman stands in a doorway behind a man who is bent over, his head hidden by the wall, in a bathroom in what appears to be an institutional setting.
Carole minimizes physical contact with her father.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
And so the American system is reliant on unpaid family caregivers, and adult children in particular. Older people who are left to fend for themselves can meet dire fates: regular trips to the E.R. — for dehydration, malnourishment, pneumonia, urinary tract infections, fractures, falls — followed by hurried hospital discharges and brief stretches back at home, before the next emergency. The “doom loop” ends, Gleckman says, only when people die in their hospital rooms or at home. “And nobody knows it until, you know, the mail carrier or somebody smells something bad.”
Just the thought of it can force the hand of a reluctant caregiver. “I think that here, in the United States, it’s often perceived that caregiving is a choice, though more than 50 percent of U.S. caregivers feel like they don’t have a choice in becoming one,” says Allison Applebaum, a clinical psychologist who works with family caregivers. In these cases, the pretense of choice “almost begets a greater sense of burden and resentment.” The reluctant adult child suffers through it and then is told that she chose to.
A woman named Asia, who lives in Washington State, told me she became her father’s caregiver by mistake — though later, everyone said that she must have seen it coming. He was getting older and poorer, and he couldn’t afford his rent anymore. Asia and her husband at the time decided to build him a small house on their property. It would increase the value of the place, she reasoned, and her father could live there in the meantime. Only after he moved in did the extent of his dementia become clear.
Asia thought: Oh my gosh, no. I don’t have it in me to be a caretaker. Then she felt angry “and kind of stupid.” That was around 10 years ago.
When she was growing up, her father was very religious and very strict, and he often beat his children with a belt for their various infractions. Afterward, he would cry and promise to do better, and invariably the child he had beaten would end up consoling him and telling him that it was all OK. He was awful in other ways, too. He hated noise, for instance, and in his presence, his children were not allowed to laugh.
But now he had nobody else. Two of his four children wouldn’t speak to him, and another lived out of state. Asia decided that even though she had a bad childhood, this wasn’t an excuse to be a bad person now. Also, what was she going to do — evict a broke, demented man from her home?
Over the years, though, Asia’s father became “more demanding than every other aspect of my life” — more exhausting than her own children. She grew afraid to leave the house, afraid to water the flowers on the front porch, even, because every time her father saw her, he needed something else from her. As his dementia, later diagnosed as Alzheimer’s disease, worsened, he became more selfish and more self-righteous. He told her that he was “extremely disappointed” in her for the way she was living, outside of the church. “It sounds very dramatic, but it was literally killing me,” Asia told me. “I wasn’t able to have a life, in any way, outside of caring for him.” At some point, she told her husband that she was going to kill herself. She didn’t entirely mean it, but she did feel desperate.
Then he grew sicker. Earlier this year, Asia moved her father into a facility, and then another facility, and then into hospice. Sometimes, he would cry and beg to leave. Other times, he would ask when his other children were coming to visit. At first, Asia would say, “They’re not really happy with you because of how they were raised.” She didn’t want to console him. To let him eventually die believing that he was a good father. But later, she felt as if she was punishing him for something that he probably didn’t remember. She would say that they were busy.
Kong’s research into abused caregivers identified a dynamic that clinicians often missed. “We never asked about the relationship,” says Pat Berry, a retired hospice nurse who has studied family caregiving. Through her early years of nursing, Berry says, she always assumed that her elderly patients would be cared for by their children, whenever possible, and that their children would want to do it. And that, in the end, those children would be sad to see their parents die. Nurses were forever saying things like, “Oh, your mother is so sweet.” Or calling a daughter who hadn’t visited in a while: “Your mom’s been asking about you. I bet you’re busy, but boy it would be nice if you could come.” It never occurred to them that an adult child might be staying away because of the awful things that had been done to her.
Berry found herself thinking about language, about how everyone in health care uses “loved one” as a shorthand for “family member,” and how this reinforces a larger myth about how people in a family always love one another.
In therapists’ offices, though, these caregivers were presenting themselves. Many came to talk about setting boundaries. Given that they had to be caregivers, how could they bear it? What should and shouldn’t they do for the parents in their charge? Others came just to talk about the trials of caregiving — and sometimes, they said nothing at all about their abusive pasts, for weeks and weeks.
“Oftentimes, caregivers do have this dissociation,” says Stephanie Muskat, a Toronto-based social worker and founder of the Compassion in Caregiving therapy group. “It is very hard for someone to acknowledge, ‘This person really wronged me, and I’m very hurt deep down, but yet I am expending so much of myself, to give to that person.’ So they try to separate it, even subconsciously.” They tell their therapists only that they aren’t sleeping or that they’re angry all the time; that they’re overeating or undereating or drinking a lot. Muskat has had a few patients who, in some act of psychic self-preservation, managed to forget that they had ever been mistreated — at least, for a while.
Debora moved in with her parents five years ago, when her 87-year-old mother could no longer handle her 90-year-old father alone. “She’s real little, and he’s real big,” she says. Debora was the second of their 10 children and the oldest daughter, and her own husband had already died. Everyone assumed she would be the one to help. “I think it was just pretty much expected of me.” Even as a child, she was always a caregiver, always tending to her siblings on the family farm, always working in the kitchen, never allowed to go outside and play.
At her parents’ condo, Debora cleaned and organized and ran errands. She cooked meals that her father would push away, like a petulant child. As her father grew more frail, Debora also started helping him with other things: the toilet, the shower. “I didn’t wash his private parts,” she told me. “I gave him a rag to do his private parts. I was not going to do it, you know what I mean? But the rest of him, I scrubbed and scrubbed.”
Debora knew that when she was a child, her father sometimes hurt her, though her memories were blurred and incomplete. And so she had never told anybody — not her mother, not even her husband. But back with her parents, she started remembering things. Sometimes a smell — car oil (her father was a mechanic), lumber (he was always woodworking) — could resurrect a whole childhood scene. Debora came to see that her father had sexually abused her for years. That he had used her body over and over and also brought her to other men — the farm help, usually — and let them use her, too, in exchange for booze or cigarettes or whatever.
She trained her mind to go numb while she was caregiving. “I did it without feeling,” she says. “I was a robot.” But that worked only for a time; after that, she was angry. She started drinking — at first a little, and then a lot, in the hours after she put her parents to bed.
It was only when a few of her siblings confronted her about the drinking that “I finally came clean,” Debora says. “And they went nuts. They couldn’t believe it. Because we were the perfect family of 12 Catholics.” Everyone was so sorry. And after that, some of the siblings did start to hug her more, to call her more, to help with things.
But apart from her oldest brother, who wanted to know the details of what happened, nobody talked about the abuse again, and Debora continued to live there, in the condo. She wanted to prevent her mother from learning what her siblings now knew. Her mother was “a saint,” she says, and she deserved some peace in her final years.
It went on like that until one day in January 2026, when Debora’s mother went to lift something from the coffee table and fell — and then Debora’s father tried to help her, and he fell too. He ended up in the hospital and then a nursing home. And maybe this new distance opened up something in Debora, because she allowed herself to not visit him. To not care how he was doing.
He had been in the nursing home for several weeks before Debora’s mother remarked on her absence — and Debora decided that, to avoid her suspicion, she would visit. When she entered her father’s room, she found that “he was in an awful state. He had food all over his face, his clothes. He couldn’t reach the drink on his tray.”
Did she feel sorry for him?
“I did,” she says. “I did, and I don’t know why.”
Carole was angry all the time, host to a raw, indigestible fury. She would yell at Andre sometimes, and afterward, she would not feel bad about it.
What enraged her most was how he never seemed grateful for any of her help, or even, often, to notice it. Carole thought that a better parent would try to spare his daughter the burden. But Andre thought he deserved it all, and for someone else to pay. He never even offered to cover her gas.
“You know what, Dad,” she told him one day, after he refused to use his walker again, “when you fall, you better make sure you kill yourself, because if you break your leg or break your pelvis, and you end up in a diaper in a skilled nursing facility, you’re going to be miserable.”
In an email, her therapist wrote: “I feel concerned for you, Carole, and the level of retraumatization you are facing. Please protect yourself.”
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A woman in a black top and jeans, with a serious expression on her face, leans against a piece of wooden furniture, seemingly staring off into space.
Carole has been cleaning out her father’s home for months. Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
At some point, Carole met with social workers at the Redwood Caregiver Resource Center to ask what she could do about the fact that her father was refusing all kinds of professional help. Alexis Glidewell, the program director, said that this was often how things happened; the older adult was legally free to make his own choices, and he made imprudent ones. In elder care, scholars speak of an older person’s “right to folly.” Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to resolve things was to “precipitate a crisis.” Carole could wait for something bad to happen to Andre: a fall, a broken bone, something serious enough to get him admitted to a hospital. That would place him inside the system, at which point it would be the hospital’s responsibility to treat him and ensure his “safe discharge.”
If Carole refused to take him in, then Andre might be sent for rehabilitation at a nursing home that, at his age, he was unlikely to ever leave. Things played out like this all the time, Glidewell said. In other instances, people abandoned elderly relatives, many with dementia, at the doors to an emergency room, sometimes with letters pinned to their jackets. Something like, “Please take care of my dad.”
Social workers also understand that people who experience abuse as children can go on to become physically abusive caregivers. Hurt people, as they say, hurt people. But usually, Glidewell told me, when elder abuse occurs, it takes the form of “this kind of insidious neglect.” A daughter might give up on getting her father to take his medications, for instance, because he always puts up a fight about it. She might say, “Fine, Dad, do it yourself,” when she knows that he won’t.
In August 2025, nearly two years after the call from Andre’s eye doctor, Carole finally got her father an appointment with a neuropsychologist, who did a three-hour evaluation and diagnosed him as having major vascular neurocognitive disorder. The exam found that Andre’s language skills were still “average to high average” — he could speak fluidly and even be charming — but that his executive functioning was “low average to exceptionally low.” On one memory test, he scored in the less-than-first-percentile range. The neuropsychologist concluded that Andre lacked the capacity to make even basic medical decisions. From now on, Carole would make them for him.
“I guess I’m being punished by God,” Andre said.
“Everyone gets old and dies, Dad,” Carole said. “You aren’t being singled out.”
From all her time in therapy, and from all the psychology books she had read, Carole knew better than to expect anything meaningful to come from her caregiving efforts. Like healing, for instance. “There is going to be no redemption before he dies,” she said. The final years of Andre’s life would not be one of moral transformation or awakening: the flawed old man being brought to his knees in shame before his selfless child.
Still, she did sometimes reach for closure. Carole had gone a lifetime without ever asking Andre about the ways he had hurt her. She never thought there was a point; he was probably too much of a narcissist to even recognize himself as an abuser. But the experience of caregiving — her proximity to him, his proximity to death — made her want to ask. “Dad, you have the choice,” she said. “You could choose to take responsibility for your behavior before you die and apologize.”
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A close-up photo of two framed portraits, one of a young child in a white dress, the other of a couple on their wedding day.
Carole, as a child, alongside a picture of her parents. Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
But he just denied it all. He said that Carole was making it all up. That he had always been a decent father. That he hadn’t been like his own father, an awful man. “I did the best I could,” he said. It was hard to know, now, how much was dementia and how much was willful denial.
In January 2026, Andre finally agreed to move into a retirement home — and Carole set up an appointment with a placement agency. Andre was agitated at the meeting, and he yelled a lot, but he managed to ask for a balcony with a view of the mountains.
After the appointment, Carole turned to leave. When she did, she saw that her father had started to cry.
“He was wanting to hug me,” Carole said, later, “and he was crying, yeah. And I just … I didn’t want to hug him back.”
The question of what, exactly, children owe their parents has always shadowed the family unit. Common sense seems to say that we owe them something, even if it is hard to translate that intuition into a coherent account of how much precisely is due. Then again, common sense might also say that this debt is limited and, maybe, that it is contingent on how we were raised. “Each generation,” wrote the philosopher Daniel Callahan, “has had to make its own sense of the biblical injunction that we should honor our fathers and mothers.”
The question seemed to acquire a new urgency in the 1970s, when the proportion of Americans over 65 reached 10 percent and people started to speak of “the graying of America” — and when increased life expectancy meant that, in some families, elder care was now a decades-long undertaking.
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An older man seated at a dining table, eating dinner alone, with his back to the camera.
Andre having dinner at a care facility. As life expectancy increases, elder care can be a decades-long undertaking.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
With the creation of Medicare and Medicaid in 1965 and the subsequent expansion of Social Security, “filial obligation” became a growing preoccupation of the state. In the lead-up to the passage of the programs in Congress, there had been a political debate about whether adult children should be required to exhaust their financial resources, to help “indigent” parents, before the state stepped in. But controversially, when Medicaid eligibility regulations were published, they limited financial responsibility to applicants and their spouses. In other words, they expressly forbade states from treating a child’s income as if it were available to her parents.
Supporters of Medicare and Medicaid, says Hendrik Hartog, an emeritus professor of history at Princeton University, imagined that in addition to offering social assistance, the programs could promote family togetherness and even affection, by taking the straining obligations of elder care away from children and placing them on the government. “It sort of got parents and children out of the impossible situation.”
But as many as 40 states had old “filial responsibility” laws on the books: legislation that dated back to the colonies and that required adult children to financially support their impoverished parents. The laws, which were enforced only haphazardly, had been an attempt to codify filial obligation, less out of any moral imperative and more because filial duty kept government expenditures down. Now these old laws stood in tension with the new public welfare programs.
Nevertheless, many states refused to abolish them. In the early 1970s, Gov. Ronald Reagan vetoed two measures that would have repealed part of California’s law. Adult children who were financially able “should contribute,” Reagan argued, in a news release. “The integrity of our welfare program demands that responsible relatives help support their parents.”
These critics worried that public funding would weaken the American family as a moral category. “At one time, fathers that neglected to pay for their children were not punished,” read a 2002 article in Family Law Quarterly. “Today those same fathers would be considered ‘deadbeats’ subject to wage garnishment and a host of punishments.” It went on, “Until there is regular enforcement of filial-responsibility statutes, Americans will continue to believe that the government will take care of their parents.”
Fewer than two dozen states retain filial-responsibility laws today, and they are very rarely enforced. Pennsylvania is an exception. In a notable case in 2012, a man was held liable for his mother’s $93,000 nursing-home bill, after she moved to Greece without paying.
Katherine C. Pearson, a law professor at Pennsylvania State University, gives lectures about the legislation around the state. “And whenever I describe the law, I always see one person’s face get very frightened. And I know that they will come up and meet with me, and they will tell me a story about how their parent had been a bad parent.” In these instances, Pearson tells the person that having been abused is not, itself, a statutory defense but that judges consider it to be a mitigating factor — and that, in general, “if the parent didn’t hold up what we think of as a parent’s end of the bargain, then the court would prefer not to find that child liable.” She tells the person, “Hold on to that story.”
But some adult children have trouble knowing whether the word “abused” applies to them. They ask themselves, Didn’t everyone get hit back then? Were bad parents bad by some objective measure, or did they need to be judged against the standards of the time? And what about those parents who weren’t abusers themselves but who seemed to let their spouses get away with it?
It was only when Susan was in her late 40s that it occurred to her that her mother hadn’t been so great. Growing up, Susan told herself that everything was her father’s fault. It was her father, after all, who screamed all the time — all 210 pounds of him, stomping so hard that the walls would shake. “Everyone in the neighborhood could hear it,” she told me. When she was still very young, Susan “got this idea in my head that it was my sacred contract to take care of my mother. That it was my duty.”
Only years later did she think about how her mother had been “complicit” in things. How, yes, it was her father who raged, but it was her mother who didn’t do anything about it. Susan acknowledged that her mother was born in the 1930s and “was not, like, a woman’s libber” — but she had her own money and a good job, and ultimately, Susan thought, she could have left and taken her children with her. This is what a good mother would have done.
There were other things that Susan thought of, too. The way her mother had always been distracted or absent. Those years when she would come home from work and not make dinner and just silently watch TV all evening long — or else talk too much, about her husband and her marriage, as if Susan weren’t her daughter and just a little girl. How her mother used to snort or sneer or condescend when Susan said something sincere.
Susan’s father died first. Then, in July 2019, her mother had a stroke. Susan started traveling from Denver, where she lived, to Portland, Ore., where her mother lived, staying for longer stretches at a time before relocating in 2022. Susan had no kids or pets or job — she was on disability payments, because of multiple sclerosis — and so she thought it only made sense for her to go. In Portland, Susan took her mother to appointments and did her laundry and handled her banking. “I could do all of that administrative crap,” she said, “but I could not cook for my mother.” She couldn’t brush her mother’s hair, either. Those things felt too maternal, too caring.
Also, in her old age, her mother could be nasty — almost as if she was trying to provoke her daughter. In the early days, Susan would just lose control. “And guess what I would do? I would go straight into what my dad used to do. I’d scream at her, which is awful.”
But over time, as her dementia deepened, her mother started to change. She became “less defiant, more compliant,” Susan said. Nicer. Less selfish. She started saying “thank you” all the time. Susan was able to imagine, now, that she was caring for a different woman, a woman other than her mother.
For some caregivers, dementia can be a complicating factor; it can make an adult child wonder if she owes anything at all to a person who doesn’t resemble the parent who raised her — and who might not even remember having raised her. But for Susan, the disease made things easier; it let her keep going. “Oh, thank you, God,” she told herself, “for changing the circumstance so that I can actually serve my mother.”
In February, a local retirement facility accepted Andre’s application for residence. Carole had insisted, per her father’s request, that he receive a room with a view. His balcony would face westward. “He likes to see the sunset,” she said.
She would still have to visit on occasion, to refill his pill dispenser and to check up on him, but she hoped that the visits would be infrequent: once every three or four weeks, at most, until it was over.
In the days after Andre’s move, Carole’s sense of resentment toward him seemed to grow, expanding outward to fill the new physical distance between them — acres of grievance, enveloping everything. She thought constantly about how he had no appreciation of her sacrifice or any interest in it either. Once again, he was refusing to accept that he was hurting her, so that he could keep taking from her.
Experts in caregiving observe, in many families, a tendency to over-attribute agency to people with dementia. To see malice where there is only a symptomatic “combativeness”; to see gaslighting and prevarication where there is only memory impairment. This is particularly true if someone has always been this way: mean and manipulative. In these cases, family members might be unable to comprehend that the disease has taken over — that the same bad behavior must now be understood to have a different, disease-driven cause.
“The way dementia presents itself is particularly triggering for people who have had historically abusive relationships,” says Glidewell, the clinical social worker. But someone with dementia, she says, isn’t capable of elaborate manipulation, and all the layers of thought and action that it requires. “If a person can do that,” Glidewell says, “they likely don’t meet the criteria for dementia.”
Carole had considered the idea that she might be overestimating her father’s abilities. Still, most of the time, she thought that Andre was actively manipulating her and that his instinct to do it was strong enough to override his impairments. “Absolutely, 100 percent absolutely.”
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A woman’s hands holding a white file box with the label “ANDRE’S ACCOUNTS” in large capital letters.
Carole manages Andre’s finances. He had some savings from his decades of working as a newspaper typesetter, but he refused to spend anything on his care.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
She had started to clean out Andre’s old farmhouse. Within weeks, she had thrown out decades’ worth of plastic bags and paper napkins, many of them used. On the porch, Carole found canisters of paint that were half a century old, and in the back office, what seemed to be every pair of eyeglasses her father had ever owned. Sometimes, in the midst of it all, Carole would feel sorry for her father, for the way he had been living. But when she felt this way she would reread her mother’s old journal. In the journal, her mother had recorded insults that Andre had yelled at her, in front of their daughters — “[expletive] blockhead,” “[expletive] idiot,” “dumb, ignorant and gullible” — and described him threatening to kick Carole’s sister.
When Carole read the notes, “it was like my mother was validating me from beyond her grave.”
Carole said she didn’t care what happened to him, but she did keep visiting, not every few weeks, as she had hoped, but every few days. There was just so much to do to get him settled, she said. Carole spent hours digitizing old photographs and uploading them onto a digital picture frame, so that Andre could have something to look at when he was sitting in his armchair. She made appointments and spoke to his doctors. She reminded him to use cream on the itchy parts of his back. On days when she didn’t visit, Carole would monitor her father on her phone, with the Find My iPhone app, checking to make sure that he moved from his apartment to the restaurant around lunchtime and dinnertime.
On a recent Monday morning, Carole carried a few plastic bags down the hallway of the retirement facility, toward Andre’s apartment. The bags were filled with items that Andre had requested from the house — his mail, a knife sharpener — and some honey, for his coffee. “That’s very kind of you,” Andre said, when he answered the door. “Merci beaucoup.”
As Carole moved around the apartment, rearranging things, Andre told her that he had slipped the day before, in the bathroom, and hit his rib on the counter. Carole frowned. “How badly does it hurt?” He said it didn’t hurt so badly. Carole said that she would buy him a bath mat. Then she brought him a glass of water. “You were coughing,” she said, when he looked confused.
“Carole has been extremely helpful. I thank God every day for my daughter,” Andre told me, sitting at the edge of his brown recliner. “Without my daughter, I’d be a dead man.”
He said he liked his new place. He liked the balcony. Still, it was awful being so old — 95, as of a few months earlier. “I used to climb mountains,” he said. He wiped his eyes. “It’s my punishment. For being what I am.”
“What do you think you’re being punished for?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
Around lunchtime, Andre and I walked down the long hallway, past a digital sign advertising bingo, yoga and “Mocktail Monday” and into the facility’s restaurant, where he ordered a lentil soup and a coffee with three sugars. “I don’t want her to hear this,” Andre told me, “but Carole tends to be authoritarian.” She was bossy; she yelled. “I cannot fight back because I need her,” he said. “She knows that.”
Later, he said: “If Carole asks what I said about her, say that I said good things.”
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A photograph of personal belongings, mainly shoes, in an open closet with a sliding door, with beige carpeting in front.
Andre’s shoes and slippers, which remained in his home after he moved to a facility.Credit...Preston Gannaway for The New York Times
Back in Andre’s apartment, Carole handed her father a pair of slippers. She said she wanted him to wear them, so that he wouldn’t slip again. Then she said that it was time for her to leave. “Give me your cheek, I want to kiss you,” Andre beckoned. “Love you.”
Carole flinched, then leaned in. “Love you, too.”
Andre died on June 3 following a heart attack. Carole is deciding what to do with his ashes.
Katie Engelhart is a contributing writer for the magazine focused on medicine and ethics. She won a Pulitzer Prize for her article about a woman with Alzheimer’s disease and the fight within her family over what was best for her.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/15/maga ... e9677ea768